well i suppose this is for the best. i have to learn my lessons the hardest way possible. always. i/ll miss the atmosphere and how easy it was. i/ll miss jason and alexander and some of the regulars. i/ll miss being amanda of the coffeeshop. i wasn/t really very happy there though. if i was i don/t think i would/ve kept pushing like i did. kept sabotaging myself. i swore the next time i went in wasted i would or should get fired. and i did. i got busted. again. and no. there are no three strikes here. there/s only one more chance and then failure. gone. and done. i/m bummed. i/m sure a few people there are glad to see me go. and what a lameass way to go out. 26yearsold and busted for drinking at work. how pathetic. how sad. really. in a way i/m upset and sad and distraught and embarassed. but. on the other hand. maybe it is for the best. maybe i need this to make me change. to work on changing. to actually take the consquences and switch it all up. i/m sad. i/m disappointed in myself that i once again disappointed people. especially jason. i know he/ll be mad at me for a minute. if we ever talk or see one another again. without me there i don/t see him staying much longer. or maybe. he will. he should. he has more of a chance then i ever did. well. then i ever really gave myself. what a bummer. through and through. and now i have to bust my ass to find a new job. that pays almost the same. i just need a stepping stone while i get myself together. just some money long enough for me to work on myself. i wish i could afford rehab. thats what i really need. nice strong rehab. it/s unlikely now seeing as i won/t have insurance again. i/m not looking forward to telling rey. i/m not looking forward to that at all. because i know. what he/ll say. "amanda you have a problem." and yes. i do. and yes. i know. trust me. i fucking know. part of me is tempted to just pack up and head on back to erie. take my last check and buy a bus ticket. the other part of me wants to beat the part of me that/s even considering erie. if i go back. i/ll never get out again. this i know for sure. and it scares me. i guess. i could pack and head anywhere else. reno. texas. mexico. the last one was a joke. kinda. i have a bad sinking feeling my life is never going to get better. or in better shape at least. it burdens my heart heavily to feel this way. but. i can/t help it. especially right now. things are starting all over again. only this time i have a home and no job. instead of like before where i had a great job and no home. i/m supposed to go in tomorrow. but. what/s the point? get me in there with a little conference with denise from HR and LJ the store manager and gabe and amber. and have to sit there and discuss my obvious "problem." and how they/ve given me all of the chances i deserve and all of the suggested help they can. oh vodka. mine enemy. my destroyer of worlds. of my worlds. i don/t feel like being confronted by people who don/t even really know me. i don/t think i/ll go in tomorrow. that way i can be dissed for job abandonment and maybe see if i can get my earned PTO cashed out. i shouldn/t lose that i worked for it. i/m so bummed right now. wondering what the hell am i going to do now? 26 and absolutely no fucking chance at anything. locked in this customer service retail business and i don/t know how to get out. especially with how much fucking debt i have over absolutely everything. all i can say is i/m lucky if i make this run without actually ending it. i/m not big on depression or whatever. but. i/m a bit worried. i/ve slowly been spiralling down for a moment now. this is just ICING ON THE CAKE. right? oh why did i have to become such a failure? i used to be so promising. i used to have a chance. and now. i feel hopeless. very hopeless. i wish i had someone to give me a hug.