about life. or death. or living. or not living. i know that life is a cruel game. or can be. more for some then for others. and i know too often we take all the simple things for granted. friends. toilets. hot meals. family. love. and. clean sheets. i know that i have messed up a great deal in my not so long lived life. i know that i dont know how to fix any of it. or heal any of it. or how to get it all under control. i know that there are some worse off then me. whether i like to admit it or not. i know that my mother is dead and i didnt change while she was breathing. and i know that she knows things i didnt let her know before and wished she didnt know now. and i know how lovely it feels after a few lines of cocaine. and a few smoked blunts. i know how horrible it feels coming down as well. and staying down. because you dont have the connection anymore because you decided to go and fuck him behind his back for no particular reason other then bitterness and the mild excuse of being drunk. i know how it feels to be so alone some times that a bullet to the head seems more appealing then one more minute spent breathing. i know how it feels to hold it all in your palm and let it slide through just because it takes too much work to keep it right. i do know how it is to be without water or bathing for days at a time. to have to eat peanut butter from the jar because its the only real food thats affordable that will provide enough protein to see you through a day or two.(remember if you go broke and find it hard to get food to buy nuts - apples - and/or peanut butter - this will sustain you for long enough) i know how it feels to lose a friend because change (although nice) does get in the way. i know a lot these days. i know guilt. regret. fear. shame. happiness. and a longing so deep it cuts like a razor across my already torn heart. but. i also know that there is hope. somewhere hiding in the night. shadowed by all of the horror in our lives. i know it waits somewhere we never think to look only because our eyes are already too clouded by our tears. i know hurt. and. i know the right people wholl make a difference and how to recognize them just through their smiles and shiny eyes. and the way they watch you as you watch them hoping they dont notice how hard you stare. i know blood doesnt make family. i know a thing called connection. c.o.n.n.e.c.t.i.o.n. the way things work out is like silent.unwritten poetry. if i wouldve never started working at the bookstore i wouldve never met george which means i wouldve never had another place in las vegas to stay which means id probably be nervous about heading home right now - if i werent on a bus headed there. cosmic vibes work wonders in disguise. what i dont know is if ill ever be forgiven for all of the things ive ever done. i dont know/well i do know joell never talk to me again and in a way im fine with that but in a way im a bit saddened by it. but. you cant change things. i dont know if ill ever be loved/or deserve love. i dont know if everyone i do care about will make it out alive/or in one piece. i dont know if my mother made it to heaven or not/or maybe worse shes stuck waiting by the river of stix. i dont know if here is where i belong or will ever belong. i dont know. i dont know. what to say to make it all make sense in an understood way. theres been a full moon for nearly 3 nights now. and i find it hard to sleep. and a bit easier to weep. id like to think that in one way or another we/ll all be okay in some way or maybe someday. id like to think it was possible to make people love you again/even if you have proven yourself to be unworthy. at day i dream. at night i scheme. and though it may seem. forever can never be.