i must clean her room. i must. clean it. out. and over. and done. until there is nothing left. but memories. and shadows. dancing on her wall. reminding me of her. of her. being here at one time or another. when that was that time. almost 3 weeks and i am still unaware. inside. it comes now. like small droplets of cold rain. the tears. the remembering that she. is never. coming back. to me. again. ever. ever. forever. it feels like my heart has abandoned me. and walked away. off into the sunset. where it might belong. for now. until things settle. and i can think again. and breathe. breathe. she is gone. and gone is she. and still i cannot heal. still i cannot think of anything else. then the hospital bed. and the changing her. and cleaning. and the trying to feed her. and the crying. because i thought every minute. was the last. and then. it happened. and i watched. and held her hand so tightly. her icy cold blue hand. purple. gurgling noises. no more saying my name. no more telling me she loved me. gurgling. the death rattle. the end. the end. the realness. the real. and it was all gone. before my eyes. could adjust. a flash. a bright thing gone. died out. like a lightbulb. i miss her. like my heart. i miss her. and it was over. and still my mind remains there. locked there with her. and those times. those weeks i spent with her dying. both of us fucking dying. and i cannot escape. and i cannot escape. and it hurts. like a needle in the arm. it hurts like a knife across my wrist. it hurts like hell and heaven colliding. one last time. it hurts. i do not know what to do. to rid myself of this pain. this tremendously lonely pain. deep in my heart. right behind my ribs. beating. harder. and harder. i do not know what to do. any longer. longer. alone. now. me. i. am. dying. differently? i could've done better. i should've done better. i. this hurts. more then. you will. ever know. i don't want to clean her room. i don't want to clean her. i don't want to clean. i don't want to. i don't want. i don't. i.