because i missed halloween. being pregnant has taken the drunken celebration out of drunken celebrating. i could. but the guilt alone would be enough to suffocate me.

besides i know what happens as soon as i start down that old familar road. one drink and i lose it all.

one drink and i dont care. id give up home, love, job, money, baby, health, air...just for that booze.

strange. still picturing myself as having such a problem. when i was younger and you wouldve asked me what i thought an alcoholic looked like i wouldve simply pointed to my stepfather - old, miserable, and just old...

but alas...it took me the hard way to learn. as it usually does.

those days are long gone for night now though. i admit i feel guilty because i drank early into this pregnancy. i knew i was pregnant, but a piece of me felt nice and comfortable denying it.

and now. im glad i finally stopped. im glad no matter the temptation i still havent picked up a joose or a four loko.

im glad i have this bump here to let others know what id be up to just in case i happened to stop in the local boozefactory.

------------------------------- this isnt about that though ---------------------------------

and it hasnt been for a long time now.

today is about changing my pissy little attitude and to stop being such a pantywaste.

in all meaning i should be grateful for where i am right now and what im doing.

compared to a few years ago things are moving along rather nicely.

and here ive been pissing and moaning and bitching and being a douche just because.

because i got a hair up my butt and i felt abit more superior? how exactly. when exactly.

who knows.

it happens and i often keep it going until its too late. but this time i stepped back and can see it clearly now.

i guess it helps when youre reading a book about the bible and you suddenly feel like a huge hypocrite.

so today i want to change. i need it. i am craving it.