7:03 Sunday Night   Building a Life Meant to be Broken Yesterday, Caleb and I went souvenir shopping but didnt' find anything. He sprayed bad perfume directly onto his hand, though, which was funny (albeit very stinky). He asked me why I didn't stop him and I said I tried to. I said, "Caleb, don't spray it directly onto your hand!" and he replied "You can't tell me not to do something. It will only make me do it faster." The human psyche is a natural rebel. Haha. Mmm, we just wandered around and looked at things we didn't buy. It was fun, though. Heh! I'm such a dork: I didn't find anything to buy as souvenirs, but I did find the nail file thing I was looking for so I bought that. We randomly bussed to the hills and watched the sunset. On the bus back to the Xchange, I shined Caleb's nails with my new nail file thing. It was cute. He felt like a metrosexual. and liked it. The sushi place we wanted to try didn't have anything I would eat so we bussed back to his house. We had pasta for tea and watched Casablanca. It was nice. Today... I went to church. It was good. Then I went to find souvenirs again. Actually got some this time. cheap, though, poor friends. haha. Mmm, back to my house, had lunch, walked to his house, hung around there for a wee while before bussing downtown. We got to the paddleboat rental place just after it had rented out its last boat for the day. I was crestfallen. I had to sit on a bench for 20 minutes before I could handle getting up again. :( Caleb made me get up, he said "Let's go for a walk." because I couldn't think of anything else I wanted to do. He took my mind off of it when we shuffled trails through the golden carpet of dead leaves on the grass. And when we got to the botanical gardens, Caleb showed me the whirligigs on the ground. He picked one up and threw it in the air and I watched in awe as it spun to the ground. It was so cool. Nature rocks. and we went to the rose garden. And we made leaf piles and jumped in them and wrestled in them and climbed into trees. We found a tree that had big biceps and caleb flexed in front of it and i took a photo and two guys made fun of him. But you know what? Those two guys didn't get kisses and hugs. :P Then I went home...Caleb caught the 84 with me and got off at the stop closest to his house, while I went back to my own house. Then I did laundry and got online. and then i ate pizza. While I was waiting for the bus to go home, I was sitting, thinking how pathetic i am, crying whenever I don't get my way. It's dumb. I wish i could just acknowledge my sadness and push it aside and be fine with it. I was also thinking about how pointless all this is. I Actually Created a new life here. I Befriended people I'd never seen before in my life who've never met the people I've known all my life. I've formed bonds just as tight with these people in a fraction of the time it's taken me to build up my life at home. I've had just as much fun here as I had at home. It made me realise that probably no matter where I go, I'll find people I can enjoy the company of. or something like that. Actually it was kind of sad. Like, all the bonds I create are entirely pointless or something. But probably they are all really really important. I wouldn't break them for anything. It was just sort of an interesting idea to turn around in my head. The fact that I created a completely new life in 9 months (and it isn't a baby, it's my own life) blows my mind. I am still really sad though. Next sunday daddy will pay to go paddleboating, though, because it means so much to me. Hm. I am still sad. Someone help me stop crying. You know what would be really nice? If I could stop feeling self conscious long enough to have a good cry on Caleb's shoulder. ----------------- 10:41 p.m. :) I called Caleb. We talked for an hour. I didn't cry out loud or anything! So last night, after Casablanca ended, I fell asleep apparently. He said it was a good thing he wasn't a girl on account of I was grabbing his chest. (shifty eyes. right. i was sleeping...) I'm a physical sleeper. I kicked, too. :P poor guy.. It's good to talk to him. We talked about our parents, and how both of our parents would like us to avoid getting into any sticky situations but would support us and love us still if sticky situations were to occur. We talked about how lucky we are. Also today the thought occurred to me. Less and less people are waiting until marriage to have sex. And the divorce rate is climbing rapidly. Are these two phenomena related? And if so, does that mean that Caleb and I have a greater chance of lasting? I would reckon our relationship is a pretty strong, serious relationship in which we exclusively see each other. The plan is to carry on a long-distance relationship and see how that goes (but keep options open and let the other know if someone else hops up), and if it works... I don't know. I hesitate to carry on writing. This is my diary. I am allowed to write my thoughts. I worry that we are too young for something like this, but if we love each other for real, then distance and time apart from each other should hardly make a difference. I am going to allow myself to be hurt and miss him and write e-mails to him constantly. We also plan on talking on the phone at least once a month or so. I keep trying to tell myself this isn't the same situation scott and i were in, but what if it is and all I'm doing is trying to rationalise myself...I'm glad this is a public diary, maybe the people who were close to me while i dated scott will have an opinion. if not, that's okay but meh. If they even read it. I don't need affirmation, but it's nice. Scott and Caleb are two very different people who i had two very different relationships with, right? Scott and I planned to break up and not continue to romantically be involved while I was away. That was the original plan with Caleb and I, but one night, the two of us were lying in bed not talking, and I was rolling around the idea of a long distance relationship (just for trial)in my head. I know Daddy says there are lots of guys I haven't met yet but... are there really? I just want the decision I make to be acceptable. Other people know so much more than i do. People outside the relationship. And of course, when I leave, Caleb and I will have time apart to reflect our relationship from the outside and pick out all the flaws. But if we're still together and determined to make it work (if being the key word), then we can talk this out and make amends... Oh I don't know. I just want it to work.