10:53 Mid Monday Morning   Dancing in the Agricultural Building Just because I don't see homosexuality itself as a sin, and because I desire civil equality for all... It doesn't mean I'm a pagan. It doesn't make me not a Christian. What are you trying to accomplish by suggesting otherwise? I find it hard to believe that there are no sections of letters or other biblical scriptures that you struggle with. I told you, these issues have been strongly rooted in me since I was old enough to think for myself. They were a part of me before I accepted Christianity - in fact it was never Jesus that kept me from Christianity, no I'd have to say it was other Christians. certain sections of Paul's letters. I am a Christian, and while I love Jesus I can't stomach The Church. like the angry, bitter wife (ironically in the business of oppressing women) of a dear friend. It is something that you can't just tell me 'your beliefs are wrong!' and I'll be like 'oh, ok, tell me what to think then.' because these beliefs are the core of my spirit and personality. Along with Jesus's teachings of love thy neighbour, treat others as you'd have others treat you, may he who has not sinned cast the first stone, judge not lest ye be judged, etc. etc. anyway i went to the baptism of my friend's son yesterday, and it was beautiful and he was beautiful and I'm very happy that my friend and her baby are doing well. I'm glad it's not me, but more and more i realise that i will want to have babies some day. it's weird, but at least Caleb's parents will be pleased. mine too, i imagine. Of course I won't be harboring any parasite fetuses for some time; hopefully Caleb and I will have been married for a good 5 years at least...but eventually. We learned about the horrors of pregnancy in the marriage and the family class last week some time. it just made me want to have a baby more than ever. I want the belly. I want to feel the kicks and watch my body change. As recent months have gone by I have appreciated more and more the fertility and strength of women and their ability to grow a new human inside of them. what the hell is wrong with me? i am not mother material!!! i am ridiculously young and totally not feeling a ticking clock. but some day! Whenever I think about it I feel like I'm opening myself up to judgment. Yes, i do plan to get married at the horrifically young age of 21. I don't really know how to balance everything I'm told, don't get married too young cos its hard on the psyche, don't have children so soon after you do get married because it's hard on a new marriage, but don't wait until you're 30 to start popping them out because it's so hard on the body. What the hell, people!? I told the Belly Dancing instructors that I didn't know if I could be on the team because I'm trying to buy a house and spending $300 on a costume is a bit much for me right now, and they were like 'whoa, why are you going to buy a house?" and i told them I was probably going to get married in a little more than a year, and they told me I was way too young for that. I really respect these strong women but I'm a strong woman too and I can make my own choices. It's not like i've just picked some random off the street and decided, oh, theres the one! Caleb and I have been in a steady, stable relationship for over 3 and a half years. by the time we get married, we'll have been almost dating for 5 years. Why do we need to wait any longer? I'm not about to cut it off and try my hand in the dating pool again, why on earth would I need to do that? I hang out with a lot of men and I know that none of them appeal to me the way Caleb does. anyway, i feel quite vulnerable just having written this, i feel vulnerable for just thinking it. I'm tired of the oxymoronic way society treats me, though, and I'm tired of caring about what people think . So, society, have at it. If my life is so important to you, then by all means, pick me apart and think, 'what an idiot,' 'what a loser,' 'how dare she go against our wishes;' but please know that I don't care. i'm not really sure why i ever did. In other news, there are only 8 weeks until i leave!!!