9:46 Mid Monday Night   Choice Dilemma I've been trying to think of a way to describe what I'm feeling right now without sounding like I'm trying to victimise myself. Even saying that makes me sound like I'm victimising myself, and it's all a vicious circle in my head that I won't get into at the moment. Browsing through sit's "Current Mood" list, trying to find an adequate single word for ..well, my Current Mood, I find that "embarrassed" is the most suitable thing I can find. I'm embarrassed. There is something seriously flawed in my personality; a niggling horrible worm in my otherwise pleasant demeanor. To be honest, I'm a good person. I'm compassionate and friendly and happy. except, of course, when I'm not. In a ..., well let's just say once upon a time, I was coming out of a mood of actually being a completely selfish and horrible brat and feeling the repercussions that followed. I asked someone why they put up with me (a genuine question provoked by genuine curiosity after this disgusting ordeal), and their answer was "Because sometimes you're the most wonderful person ever." So I have no bones about saying that I'm lovely. The problem is that I'm not lovely 100% of the time, and that i can go from being lovely to being a nasty, manipulative, and/or angry rump of a person instantaneously at, occasionally, the drop of the proverbial hat. If I had a mental illness, at least I would have an excuse, but the only excuse I have is my ingrained nature of being incredibly emotional. I think I can attribute this facet of my personality to both of my parents also being emotional -- a combination of genetics and upbringing. At least, I hope so, because otherwise I would feel horrible if I had absolutely nothing to blame. Heh. We all need a scapegoat. or maybe just I do. In any case, This is Me being Embarrassed. This is Me Apologising. I am sorry. I am truely, genuinely sorry. When I am in "a mood," I am irrational, blaming everyone and everything around me for things that don't necessarily even require blame, or for occasions which blame should be laid upon my own shoulders. This is a problem. And I'm apologising. Maybe I should seek professional counseling to help me overcome my incessant moodswings, and so that I can be the most wonderful person in the world more than once every few weeks. When the whole world is faster and faster losing balance, with oceans heating up and so many extreme storms and so many droughts....When the icecaps are melting and few even acknowledge that there's an issue at all...., well...when all that happens, there is little need at all for one selfish girl to be all full of herself and angry at everyone else for simply existing. I'm sorry. I do love you. I don't know why you're my friend, but I sure as hell am glad that you are.