Look Beyond Only about 5 more days... He's still here...like he said he would. Reminds me of the heart I made at 3 months. I recorded how scared I was then. It hasn't really changed. It's only been 3 more months. I'm still so scared. Scared to death. We always said that we would still be together merely b/c neither of us would put in the effort to change something. It's not that we'd want to, we juss would be lazy and not attempt to break up. Tis true. Nobody's going to make the first move, therefore there is going to be no move. I wish I could write something intelligent and brillant...something that could explain all these feelings that I have. I wish I could be poetic or make some type of cool craft thingy or take a cool picture to express how I feel. I wish -I- knew how I felt. I stop thinking. Not just about that, about everything that's going on in my life right now. The things I've learned, have yet to learn, enjoy learning. Upcoming events. Accomplishments. Everything. Next week ish Homecoming. I'm so excited! Kirri got a date! The lil' brat got a senior to ask her tho! I didn't get a senior to ask me when I was a Junior. She's so frickin' pritti! But she has a date! Excitement! I haven't decided if I want to go to Mr. SV or not...but I want to go to the parade if I'm not working. I should be ..in the parade. Yay for PJ day! It's sad to admitt...but Jon understands me. The real me and the pretend me. It's fun to piss him off. Genevia talks too much and I'm openly rude to people. One day I'll have my dream job of sitting in my cubicle with no one to talk to me, typing madly at my compy with the sign next to me that says, "Allergic to phones". WEee! I think I have to work about 3 days at Feng Shui. (Yes, I work there and still don't know how to spell the stupid name) I don't have to work the rest of the week tho. WEeee! That's why I love jobs. They make me appreciate being home and having nothing to do. Thas why I like it in the summer to. The boy doesn't have to work all week next week. Weee! I should paid sometime next week to. More money! Yay! I've almost reached $500, which is more than I've ever realy had in my entire life! For some reason I'm not really worried, in fact, I don't really care if I have a fab fab dress for homecoming right now. I know I should be like flipping out and running everywhere to find one...but I don't feel the need. I don't even think I'd be able to find one even if I looked. To be totally honest, I'm not looking foward to the whole Homecoming event. If it were juss the boy and I, I would be more inclined to be excited. But we usually get hooked up with a bunch of ppl I don't know b/c he's friends with only the guys, and yadda yadda yadda. So I usually end up in a fancy restruant in a 'different/plain' dress than everyone else, with people I dont know. Not that restruants scare the crap out of me in the first place, you have to add the self-consciousness and the strangers. It's even harder to attempt to eat with anxiety, while talking to strangers and to stop being all self-conscious. If it were juss the boy and I, it would be perfect...bliss...idealism. I juss don't want a repeat of Prom. He remembers Prom from the activites and stuff along with the company. I don't want to remember -what- we did. I juss want to remember who I was with, that was the only thing that made it slightly enjoyable and memorable. Yup, I need to have a better attitude. It'll be fun anyways. I'm going to go thru these pills like candy. I'm paying 160 bucks to do the very same Drama Tour I did last year. The only difference? The musicals we get to see. I get to go to prolly the same hotels, the same cities, the same tours, the same festivals...etc. It'll be worth it. I'm a senior, I getta do whatever I think is fun okay? This time I won't have to sleep with Danielle hopefully. I'm excited. I hafta skip out on my classes tho, but when I get back it'll be PTC. I think I'll be fine, might not be to easy to catch up, but I'll find a way. Asking work off wasn't that hard either. I only had to ask week off Thurs and USU doesn't put me on anyways...so there goes work. I'm going Sept. 28 through Oct. 1 Come to think of it, it was prolly the same dates as last year. hehe. It's juss a couple of days in St. George, thas all. I have the money to pay for it and a card to use while I'm down there for meals instead of carrying cash all the time. Weee! Might miss the boy tho...nobody'll really miss me tho. I think if anyone notices anything, it'll be the fact that the boy is walking in the halls alone for once. Yeah, write this event down, make sure I never forget this one. Surprise, we're not attatched at the hand or stomach or anything...at all. Guess what! I'm the Manager of something! In Drama class anyways....Props Manager...okay well, Co-Manager... and it's not like I do anything anyway b/c Nate Allen will prolly do it all b/c he's been there longer and knows more...but I have.. a title!! Sweet! Yay for me! Garrick was complaining about the boy and I in the audit making out again (joking around)...then he said "I would sit by you but.." and then he abruptly stopped. I started laughing. He's like "I was almost gonna say I wouldn't sit by you b/c I didnt want to get herpes! Ohmygosh! I juss called you a hoe!" It was so funny. Reminded me of the time Sam called me a hoe at ShopKo. "Derek ran off with a hoe, and it wasn't you." There pritti much all my stresses. I can't get down to every detail as I wish b/c I can't remember it all at once. Work, Homecoming, Boyfriend, Dress, Trip, School, Health....etc. I want to take a nice hot bath now. I want to look in my special box. I want to find a song, or write something to express my feelings still. There's a million of things I want to do now. I can't remember it all. I feel like crap. It's nice to be lazy again. I should totally do a free-writing excerise in my journal everyday. That'd be interesting...oh wait, thats what a journal is! I'm not leaving you I'm not leaving you