To summarize:

MARCH 2015 SUCKS!

Tomorrow I'm putting my dog of 15 years, give or take, down to rest.

Needless to say, I have to take the day off work morrow.

I'm not talking to any of you.

If you need me I'll be in some corner of the universe crying.

Its not even a matter of if its the right time or not anymore.

Its killing ME to kill HIM.

My selfishness to keep him longer has turned and now I just want to grieve and let him and I move on.

I love you, Max. We had some good times. Roller blading with you was pritti awesome.

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Reasons I am putting Max down:

Quality of life is down because he can’t be with me when I go places.

The last few nights he hasn’t slept well…. Either nightmares or pain? – I can’t listen to it anymore. I don’t know if its pain or nightmares. He knows something is going to happen. He knows. He’s really in deep sleep, it takes a while to wake him from his twitches and heavy or quick breathing. I suppose he's not a crier when in pain, although I've heard him cry in his sleep cuz of nightmares. I dont know anymore.

His moan and groan and occasional pop when he gets up or down

The look in his eyes – deal breaker

The stiff walk when outside

The lack of walks he can take

The lack of muscle in his back legs

The way he favors his front legs and protects them the most, licks them

Can’t get in or out of the new car very well – can’t come with me – deal breaker

Can’t go on day trips anymore to Gmas let alone weekends at parents house – can’t come with me – deal breaker

He hears things, I’m not sure he actually looks at you when he looks, also….

He sways, lack of balance sometimes, falls over

He licks more again – licking indicates pain

He breathes heavy again which the doc called ‘stress breathing’ cuz of pain again

He drinks a lot more again

Therefore I don’t think the pain killers are working as long anymore

Every once in a while he can’t make it outside to poop and goes inside

His only joys in life are food and walks (it always has been tho… He doesn’t “play”)

The past few days he’s been shaking his head every once in a while, not constantly when he had an ear ache tho and he hasn’t been rubbing his ear to the ground yet and moaning like he did with ear ache

He doesn’t let me touch him much or certain times of the day, his head his neck – when I come home I try to pet him and he kinda nips until I tell him to go potty and in the morning he’ll come wake me up but not get close enough for me to actually touch him head/neck…

He can go up the stairs but, depending on time of day and medication, he has a hard time coming down the stairs but he still does it for me despite the pain, he breathes heavy when he gets to the top – I don’t really want to wait for that point when he can’t/gives up going up or down in order to follow me around. Seeing him want to and unable to or doing it despite the pain would make me really sad - deal breaker

He never knew where his house was…. Always walks over to 631 instead… but he’s never been good at directions

He gets up or is jolted awake every time I make a noise or the TV sometimes. – always seemed to be worried about me and Maddy