"Stupid is as Stupid does What if the Crown of Creation is a dunce cap?" -Chip Ward "The evidence of human intelligence has always been mixed. On the one hand, we have traveled to the moon. On the other hand, it took us a couple of hundred years to figure out we needed wheels on our luggage. We have created astonishing computers and the Internet that we use to look up Britney Spears' skirt. Some of us can do brain surgery, but most of us can't locate Iraq on a map and think H2O is a cable channel." __________________________________________________________ My pain is timely. Every four hours. I wish to swing. And read. And write. And just..be free. "I'm taking a road I'm taking a road back for good To a place where I know that I'm safe Then I can fall Then I can fall where I should In this puddle with all my mistakes" Why do SitD writers take out their anger in SitD (like they should) and then threaten to delete the whole journal? What did the journal do to them? It helps. Really. Sorry for those of you who are disappointed that my journal isn't complete darkness and morbid as my name might lead you to believe. And through all this... Jordan is still my friend. Well, and Levi, but Jordan didn't try to kiss me and/or marry me. Jordan is still here. Wow. I think I got a true friend. ___________________________________________________________ February 19 2008 Tuesday Night 6:45pm Two more months... I texted James earlier today and he made it sound like he was dying. So after work when I got home I texted to see if he was still alive. Actually I asked if he was at the hospital yet. He would do that. Meanwhile I got a text from Art saying that they were at the Hospital, IHC on 54th because Natalie was having a hard time breathing. Great, let's just have a hospital party. I figgered I could steal a car to go see...at least one of them. James said he wanted to go to the doctor. I offered to take him. I know, silly me. He said no because he didn't want me to get sick. Whatever he's got, it's contagious. I was okay with that answer. Art and Natalie were getting an X-ray to see if everything was okay. James attempted calling everyone he knew to get them to take him to the doctor on 72 South. Then he called me. Sigh. I was in the middle of ..fooood... and I wanted to write in my journal all night long. Needless to say, I stole Grandma's car and went down to pick James up, drive down even farther past Murray to a frickin' doctor. I hate docs. I think the worst part was of all the medication that I stuffed my pockets with, I didn't get the one I needed. IB profen. That, and I didn't have any foood. I didn't want to take Lortab and try to drive. Ugh. And then we sat there for hours while they try and figger out what was wrong. He was like over there dying of fever, cough and sore throat while I sat in pain and no meds. Ugh. The thing that really bugged me that night was the doc asked who I was in relation to James. Hell if I know. I was like "Uh...I don't really know who I am to him". I ruled out wife and sister, which left girlfriend technically in the docs mind. He just wanted to know if he was appropriate if I was in the room while um... he 'checked' James out. I just wanted to say "dont worry about appropriate I had wookie with that body". I think for the first time I was truly disgusted, as in physically ill, with my past decisions while watching them. Anyways. It was a nice relaxed office considering it was like 8pm at night and I was surprised a doctor would see him. The doc did take his precious time though. The nurse was a lil...loopy for her long hours on the clock. And all I could do was watch the poor boy die on the table and text to see if Natalie was still alive every once in awhile. In the meantime trying to ignore my pain. Finally, after the second test concluded he had the flu. Then another hour or so we finally got a perscription which we requested they call into a 24 Rite Aid pharmacy so we could go pick it up right now. Left there around 9pm and went to Rite Aid. My anxiety was flipping out after the docs place. I was wiggin out in that stupid little room. I hate that place. Anyways, calming down. Went to the Pharmacy, they said they got no call. He went and got food and drink and called his Mum to have her call the doc and have them call. She gave him the number of the "on call" Doc (which was the same doc). We waited an hour and a half and he called back and said he was 'sorry' (he better be) and finally called in the perscription. I was wiggin out at that store also. I just wanted drugs. But having no food didn't help the situation either. I just wanted to hurt someone. Nobody knows what they are doing in this dang world! How do these people get these professions?! I hate docs. After finally getting the pills, found out that his insurance doesn't cover those particular pills. This was like 10:30 at night, both tired, sick, hungry and very impatient. The pills ended up costing $60 and he didn't have any other way around it...so he just bought it with his months grocery money. That must suck. Then I took him home. His roommates were being jerks. I don't know how he puts up with it. If I was that tired or sick I'd be biting peoples heads off. Actually I was and I wasn't the one who was sick! Although I do have to admitt, just watching him and his symptoms I swear I got them, just by watching. I was burning up the whole time at the docs and the store. It was prolly my coat, but I'd like get the chills if I took it off. I felt like I was on fire. Then every once in awhile I'd cough like he did. No stomach ache tho. My throat seemed sore because my mouth hurt which gave me a headache. His roommates are gonna get sick. bah hah. The Doc asked if we lived together, no, or if we were in 'close contact' and I simply said, "Not anymore." And I meant it. At the store we found a humidifier and all I could say is that his apartment needs one. Thats why I get sick at his place. I told him he needed more moisture in the air. He acted like he wanted to buy one. But they were expensive. It would really help him breath though too. Meanwhile, between Natalie and James, Mindy and Daddy called me. I fergot Daddy was coming down to SLC for a lil work session morrow. I kinda ingored those two. They'll be fine and figure out who's doing what and where on their own. At like 10pm Dad texted me it's time to come home. Great, he came all the way to SLC to tell me when to come home. I was stressed, tired, hungry, anxiety and in pain. I frankly didn't want to deal with that crap. I was a lil' pissed too. K, so someone is sick. You help take care of them. correct? You so sympathy or...empathy and you help them by taking them places, buying them things, putting them to bed, getting them food and pills right? I did it all..right. I got him in bed and sat next to him and ran my hands through his hair. I couldn't help, but feel like I wasn't...giving him enough attention. I suck at this whole sympathy thing. Cuz really, I don't care if yer sick. I'll say sorry and then leave you alone, ya know? I was perfectly fine at home doing what I wanted instead of watching you suffer. But I tried tonight. I just felt inadequate. I didn't know how to 'show' how I cared or something. I didn't know what to do cuz I was tired and in pain to, so I just ended up crying. I just cried and prayed. He is in pain and he's not completely 'nothing' to me. He's a real person with real feelings and I'm sure he really is sick and wasn't doing that just to 'use' me or something. And as much as I didn't want to admitt it, I ..cared a wee bit about the dying boy. I couldn't help it and I couldn't do anything about it. I finally just left to leave him alone and so I could finish my cry without bothering him. Got home at like 11:30p.m. so hungry. Snarfed food and downed a lot of pills. I laid in bed and whined because it was so much pain. I'm surprised I fell asleep.