Dear Journal,

Yesterday the front of my car got in a fight with the back of a Pathfinder, and well, it lost.

The hood went crunch. Of course, the pathfinder was juss fine, no scratches or dents. I was juss a small bump in the road to him. Him being my boyfriend... Neither of us got hurt physically either.

We were going over the overpass on 1300 with the sun directly in our eyes. I was wearing my glasses so I had no sunglasses and using my visor. I couldn't see the light at the bottom of the overpass and I thought it was green cuz the car in front of me (bf) was moving, and I think it was green, but they were juss rolling slowly and I thought we were, well, going. Turns out I was wrong. Suddenly the sun was blocked out of my face and there was the back his Pathfinder. Shit. Brake. I've never been good at 'slamming' on the brake per say.

I know thats a nerve wracking feeling to see sun and then suddenly car even if its like what less than 5 mph? I was immediately relieved that it was my bf tho and not someone else. Mainly cuz I knew his car could handle mine in a fight juss fine. I kinda didn't want to involve a police report or tell the insurance company to get a claim if I don't have to.

But I think what bugged me most besides that adrenaline feeling was the fact I was holding my phone and I guess I was gripping it cuz it pulled up my received calls and then started dialing James' number. I have been avoiding his phone calls and texts for like two years now and suddenly I'm calling him? Yeah I was kinda freaking out. Mistake. Mistake. No. No. Delete. End. Stop! I don't know how long he was on the line or what he heard cuz I got into an accident juss then. My phone says the duration of the call was 2 minutes and 28 seconds. I juss remember seeing sun, back of car, looking down and seeing phone dialing James and then FREAK. So what did he hear for those two minutes during the accident? The crash? My "Oh shit oh shit"? My radio? What was he saying during those 2:28 minutes? Calling my name? Hello? Mad, sarcasm, excited? I dunno, but I'm super curious. Prolly heard nor said anything important tho. James called me right back desperate for some reason to get ahold of me. He never leaves messages or says what he wants in text tho. I was still weirded out that he called me back and wondered what he heard when I called.

It didn't damage the radiator as far as I can tell and everything else seems to be running fine. Crack in the bumper, headlight casings broken (lights still work), possibly pushed the radiator back a lil' bit, but other than that it juss needs a new hood! If I could get the hood off myself I would and then juss go junk yard hunting like Claine teaches. So the car runs, I juss have an odd looking bent hood.

I went to get an estimate from some place and they calculated replacing everything mentioned above and totalled it up to $1,800. I'm like, how about juss the hood? And he kept going on about the headlights being broken and I kept thinkin they would still pass inspection. So he totalled up the headlights, hood, and 'pushing' the radiator back to where it belongs or something and came up with $1,119 without the bumper. I was like psh, this car is only worth about that much money if I tried to sell it. I bought for $3,000 with 130K miles and now its prolly worth $1,000 with 160K miles on it.

So I came to the office and asked Jim if he knew anybody. He told me a place he says that will do anything you want, replace it all, if you juss say bumper or hood, they'll do that. He said I could prolly get them to get a hood (maybe a diff color) for like $100 from the junk yard and put it on and maybe even some paint depending on the cost of paint. I could do that. This car has some more miles on it I think, not much, but some, and I kinda wanna see it to the end ya know. I juss want to get all that I can out of it and its still running with 160k miles on it, who cares what it looks like?

I have an idea of what I want and somebody out there better be willing to give it to me!

So out of curiousity I looked up Cobalts on KSL and they seem to be running at $6-7,000 with years of 2005-2008. I only glanced at the mileage and was satisfied when it was still two digits unlike mine right now. Generally I've saved up for $3,000 for a new car in the future cuz I know I'll need one. I figger if I have to and need to I could use that 3 grand and then get a loan for another 3 grand juss for more credit. I'd be willing to spend that much on a different car, not necessarily new. I dunno, giving up on this car juss for a stupid hood and maybe headlights (if it doesnt pass inspection) seems ridiculous to me. I dont think I can do it.

But I shall get more estimates and find someone that'll do what I want and juss keep the car...functional. After all I juss got a new coolant hose in July and all four brand new tires in January, it would kinda suck to lose all that. And I'm sure I don't need to involve the insurance company in my ...imperfections as a driver and that would be nice also. If I get charged as much as my deductable or more and need the car insurances help than it juss ain't worth it to me. I either do it on my own or get another car.

Trying to sleep last night was juss not working well for me tho. It seemed like every time I closed my eyes I'd see the back of his car suddenly blocking out the sun and realizing what that meant. I kept thinking it was just a dream, hoping it was just a dream. But I woke up this morning and looked at my hood. Aw, damn. I broke my car.

Reminds me of my Honda at Gmas house. I'd walk out on the porch and expect to see my car and nothing is there. Go back inside, try again, come back out and its still not there. It really is stolen. No joke. Aw, damn.

A small little secret to add here. I sometimes wonder if these random bad things happen to me cuz I'm 'living in sin' if you will. Car issues, boy issues, house issues, family issues, etc. Sometimes I wonder if I were living the way God wants me to that my life would be a bit easier as far as 'trials' go or something? But then I remember thinking, back in HS when I was going to Seminary, that my life seemed to be ...harder cuz I was reading the BoM and going to seminary.

So the devil attacks me when I'm doing good stuff, and it seems God juss sends some hardships my way when I'm not doing good stuffs, and I'm thinkin that the devil could do and wants to do so much more worse harm to me than God, so then I start to think that maybe siding with the devil (instead of being his enemy) would make my life easier, not a whole lot, but it could be worse if I switched sides. Yeah that was one long sentence and not sure it even made sense, but I juss wonder sometimes. But I always know who is gonna win in the end. I know good things happen to bad ppl and bad things happen to good ppl too and vice versa. Just wonder where I fit in.

Anyways, I got a broken car and I'm leaving for CA in two days. I don't know how I feel about that. Maybe its a blessing in disguise.

"In all my imperfections there is a beauty and a strength"