Where to begin....

I'll begin on a random thought.

I believe there is something...negative that my generation has learned from the older generation. The older generation talks about standards and the old traditions that are always followed no matter what, and expectations, and doing what you are told....yadda yadda yadda. Basically, not embracing anything new or different in my opinion. Now I agree to hold to your standards and keeping some traditions, but not entirely at the cost of throwing people out of your lives.

My view of the older generation is when something different comes into their life they promptly throw it out whether its technology like a computer or phone, or a gay or lesbian family member, or a daughter carrying a child out of wedlock, a son that won't join the army like the family tradition, a son/daughter that won't go to college let alone the college you want them to go to, etc.

If you see the pattern its usually involves family members in which something becomes new or different in which they feel to promptly throw out the door until they can live the way their parents want them too. Again, I reiterate I support standing up for your standards, and I feel you can still love the person without supporting their actions/behaviors. But the point being, the older generation seems to throw family out of their lives a lot quicker than those members that are deemed 'different'. And if they hold tight to their traditions, values, and standards so much, why are they kicking family out the door when family is considered a tradition for them? Something valued, something worth it, something to work on.

I dont support the gays and lesbians. I think its a complete and direct insult to God and His creations, His plan, and His sacrifice for our agency. I don't support vegitarians or teen pregnancies either, but I also don't think its right to kick them out of the house because they chose (Yes, I said CHOSE) a different lifestyle. Its not worth breaking up a family, because family is really important on this Earth and the life to come. I think its one thing we shouldn't learn from the older generation.

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Moving on....

More complaining...

About the boy Evan. Of course.

First of all, this car search has been frustrating, annoying, and somewhat entertaining. The entertaining part is driving different cars and seeing how they drive different and ya know, seeing something better with more working parts than my car.

The frustrating part is dealing with the sales guys. Its obvious right off the bat if they know what they are talking about or not. And then you have to deal with listening to such the rest of the time you are there. Some have ego and tell you all your comparisons to their car to is 'wrong' unless it negative and tearing another dealership down. Some clearly have no idea what they are doing, can't find the car, can't tell you anything but reading the sticker on the car with you, etc. And some don't have ego and aren't stupid per say, but they can say some redundant things and even turn a little desperate when they realize they are losing you. And then after you learn their IQ level they sick their manager guy on you and you have yet another personality to deal with whether they have ego, whether they intimate you, have no idea what they are doing or turn desperate and sound like they are trying to convince you their car is better.

The annoying part is Evan taking me BACK to the dealers and vehicles he knows I dont like! Like how we ended up at the Mazda again cuz he didn't remember how much we hated them the first time. And then he's still trying to convince me to like the Dodge, cuz it looks cool and manly (What he wants for him), and making me drive another Dodge Dart with a different engine. By this time I was just mad, tired, and annoyed so I told them all my opinion of the dart as we were driving. I was prolly yelling in the car, I don't recall. Turbo doesn't help me. I hate the turbo basically what I said/yelled.

I don't know if his taking me BACK to the dealerships and me having to give out my address for the millionth time to someone who will spam me, annoys me more, or if its the fact that he is totally disregarding ME and what I WANT just so he can check out the cars he wants and has no intention of buying.

Next!

Another thought was... the other since he was bored and had nothing to do for work, he up and decided to get the kids and take them to the pool at his place. yay, progress! He'll spend time with the kids since I'm not available. But then he calls me and asks me what I should feed them and complains about the expense of McDonalds happy meals and he wants to be cheap and get coupons. *rolls her eyes* A) Why is he calling me? What do I know about feeding his children? B) Attempting to be cheap AND taking his kids out to dinner every meal does NOT work. He knows I wouldn't take my kids to McD's every single time I needed to feed them and I wouldnt spend that much money every meal. He knows I would have food at home that they could eat (which he doesn't) and C) you are NOT that incompetent that you can't figger out how to feed three girls, YOU were the one that helped make them and you, at one point, knew how to take care of them. Figger it out!! I didn't help make any kids, I dont have any kids, I shouldnt be expected to know how to take care of them, I'm not a mother, YOU are a father! D) Even if I did show come compentency on taking care of children, did you learn nothing from me? Did you really just let me do it all? Did you not pay attention to the way I fed them or took care of any children?

Irks me juss a bit.

Granted, I understand if I were to be the breadwinner and left a hubby with the kids I'm sure I'll get some calls during the day along the same line of questions, "What do I feed the kids for lunch?".

Next complaint!

I'm starting to think its better to tell Evan my feelings via text so then he has all day to be angry and maybe by the evening he'll have settled down. I find it interesting his emotion is angry. I told him I didn't want to go to his family reunion in the middle of no where UT. I've never really wanted to go. I've never really enjoyed going to his parents. I've never really enjoyed travelling with his kids mainly for his intolerance of the children, but whatever. I dont want to go. I'm not marrying the guy so I dont feel I have to show up to such events. AND I dont want to keep serving the facade, the impression, that I am his gf and will eventually marry him cuz its not true.

And vice versa I told him I didn't really want him to go to any of my family reunions or events or come home with me anymore. I told him he couldn't go to my cousins wedding this weekend or Sarahs baby shower next weekend AND that I wont go to his family reunion with him. This all made him angry. And I swear, in my head, I've changed my mind a dozens times about him coming with me cuz its just the two of us, but I never verbalized this, I've juss kept quiet and let him assume I dont want him to come. Keep strong and carry on girl!

And after the conversation I had with him recently I am becoming more and more glad I stuck with my decision not to let him come. Ya know how you try and let someone go and that person just clings to you harder. That's what it feels like. He's like reverting to all the twitterpattion and honesty and long-term talk that he used when we first got into the relationship. It freaked me out then and it freaks me out now, mainly cuz I know its not just talk to him, he really believes it.

He wants to spend the last night with me tonight before I leave for home for the 'whole' weekend. Its like dooms day. We have to spend every waking moment together before you leave. Side note: He definitely wouldn't make it as an army wife/husband. And he is devising this huge non-logical plan in order to spend more time with me today. I still have pratical and logical things to do before I leave so I'm shooting his ideas down. All he wants tho is to be 'romantical' and hold hands and talk about our hopes, dreams, and future, blah blah. I want to get my laundry done and pack a bag and get my books from the library and get to the gym before I change my mind. He wants me to join him in HIS errands tho and then go to dinner afterward and talk (he never wants to talk, he juss saying to reel me in? entice me? manipulate me?) He tells me all this and my mind is screaming "I dont want to date you anyymorreee" cuz that is what dating means to him, reeling you in, convincing you that you love, pressuring you (saying I love you over and over expecting a reply), manipulating you, provoking you, so he can get what makes him happy.

Okay thats not entirely fair. He has been attempting to find other fun activities to do the weekend of his reunion b/c he knows I dont really enjoy his family events and the travelling. Thats not entirely being manipulative in trying to get me come.... is it?

I think one reason this has become such an issue currently is his job. In the winter months when he doesn't have anything to do and he sits around at home doing the same thing every single day it drives me crazy! I thought this Spring was much better. He finally didn't have time for me, which was okay, cept he picked and chose when he didnt have time for me, whatever was convienent for him at the time. But now its Summer and he's back to the winter months habits. But now, since he doesn't have any jobs to do during the day... because they aren't selling any lawn treatments, He sits at home and impatiently waits for me to get off work and bombards me every night so I can't get things I want to do done, mainly with the car shopping. Driving me insane again. He only focuses on one thing at a time. Spring = work. summer = me and when convienent to get away from me, work. Fall and Winter = tv, games, convincing me of taking vacations, research all of thee above. I kicked him out of my house so I wouldnt have to hear his phases again! The constant, 'I have to work so I have to go to bed early so I can't hang out' phase and so on and so forth.

So I asked him to just come over when he was done with his errands and I was done with mine and he says well I can't stay very long if I come over to your house though cuz I have to go to bed early cuz I have to work morrow. A) we'd be done with errands around 7:30-8. 7:30 is NOT bedtime. We went to a movie at 7:30 last night and didn't get home until like 10 and you didn't complain, why now? B) even if I went over to his house, like I know he wants me to do, it would still be the same time frame 7:30 to about 9 when he insists on going to bed and C) you have been complaining all week, all summer that you dont have any work to do, why the hell are you going to work at 7am when you dont have any work to do?!?!?!! I mean, I admire his work ethic, he is very loyal to a bunch of people that wont pay him and deserve for their business to be drove into the ground by a thousand lawsuits. I juss dont understand why he puts so much effort into it when he knows they are going to backstab him and/or are in the process of doing so and he KNOWS it.

I dont want to hear how mad he is that I wont go to his family events. I dont want to hear how mad he is that I wont let him go home with me on the weekends. I dont want to hear his plans on convincing me to go on his family vacations with him. I dont want to hear him say 'I love you' over and over knowing it makes me uncomfortable and expects it in return. I dont want to hear how he'll never be happy unless I marry him. I dont want to hear the "we" conversations about "our" future, "our" future house, "our" car we are shopping for. (The future talk that freaked me out in the first place when I started dating him) I dont want to hear how childish he sounds when I say no, I wish he could just be an adult about this. I dont want to hear him beg, plead, or manipulate me after I tell him I dont want to date him anymore. I dont want to hear how lonely and sad and depressed he is on the weekends when I'm gone. I dont want to hear how much he loves me and misses me and blah blah cuz I cant reciprocate. I dont want to hear how he wants me to stay over for the night cuz he misses sleeping with me. I dont want to hear about his sexual frustrations and lack of spiritual insight. I dont want to hear about his work he complains about all the time when we all know and we are all thinking that he should find another job and quit this stupid one.

I dont want to hear him anymore. I just want to go to the temple.

I just want to belong somewhere, I want to KNOW I belong somewhere and feel good about being there.

A feeling I haven't had in a long long time.