Christmas in 5 days.

One brother went to LA with his family.

The other brother shares half his kids with their other half parents during the holidays and so we might not see them very much, as usual.

And the sister goes back and forth between the in-laws and so forth.

And then there's me.

Sitting on my parents couch, alone most of the time, for the whole 4 day weekend.

When I could be sitting on my couch at home. Alone. Most of the time.

I remember last year Dad and I actually spent probably a good 12 to 18 hours vegging on the couch watching movie after movie. It was ridiculous.

Mom usually works. Dad doesn't usually sit very long, let alone watch movies.

Thank goodness I have to work between Christmas and New Years or I literally would never leave the couch. Or I'd just spend money trying to entertain myself. Sadly, its easier to shop there than here, less stragetic. Every thing is in one general area there.

But that's not really my big problem.

It's New Years. Next weekend. 3 day weekend.

I don't want to go back to my parents house for the two weekends in a row just to be alone.

Last year I had Max with me. I started the new year with a sick dog that I knew was going to die soon.

This year I have nothing.

I guess it all boils down to: which alone would you like to be during the holidays?

The kind of alone where you are in a room/building full of people and never felt so alone and know no one will notice if you left (usually a party with people you hardly know but you call them friends)

The alone where you have family all around who gladly invite you to their gatherings where you would sit and observe their family, feeling out of place and alone.

The physical alone except for the one loyal pet you have that gives you some level of love and comfort that no one else can.

Or the stark physical aloneness where you sit in the dark with drink in hand because you are too lazy to turn on the lights or even the tv. There's no point. No one cares about the lights.

Well, preferably, like last year, I would rather have a furry friend to be my companion to start the new year as such companion is the only real form of love or comfort I can feel at such time and is usually maintained throughout the year. But alas, one less option for me.

"Friends" give the fake love, "Family" gives the obligatory love, and when your completely alone there is usually no love, but a pity party.

I think it's healthy to go be with family for Thanksgiving and Christmas, but it is okay to be alone on New Years. I trick myself into thinking I might be more productive on New Years after the lazy Christmas I had on my parents couch. I think it would be a perpetual depression if I avoided everyone -all- the time. But last year I had a good depression for about 3-4 months knowing my dog was dying and so I avoided everyone after the holidays. But it was after the holidays, so that's okay right? No one notices after, right? I hope the sadness doesn't last that long this time.

I do feel excitement to drink my bubbly and eat my dip I make every New Year, its a tradition, and watch New Year's Eve movie and prolly go to bed around 10pm as I watch New Yorks countdown and consider that to be the new year. Besides, Max isnt here to get nervous because of the loud noises or fireworks at midnight. He's not here to pace nervously when I cry uncontrollably this year about the fact that he's not here.

If you need further evidence this holiday season is weird for me I got my Christmas bonus last Friday and it was completely spent by Saturday evening. I bought a laptop. My first one. And prolly only one. Joining the 21st century. Completely unnecessary and frivolous, not usually my style. But Aunti Flow helped with the rush decision (rush as in took me a week to decide to spend my bonus on a laptop). It's not very often you can go into an expensive store like Best Buy and browse the aisles literally pulling things off the shelf that seem mildly useful or entertaining just to spend money. I spent way too much money this year. I bought a car, refused to spend my usual amount on Christmas because of it, and then I bought a laptop. Yup, that makes sense.

But to help myself feel better I did contribute to a refugee family christmas for my charity donation this year. They had a silent auction wherein no one really bought anything, so I ended up with half the auction, another girl Ashley seemingly bought the other half of the auction items. Well, I got Christmas presents for Natalies family cuz of it and the money went to a needy family. Two in one.