This is stuck in my head and I have to get it out so it will go away.

I believe I mentioned once back in my journal that I learned this "I dont care" attitude about things, or a "whatever" attitude, from my mother. I addressed her lack of emotion/feelings to this attribute. But now it bugs me that I represented my mother that way.

In my quick little journal blab about mother I believe I mentioned an example like: it doesn't matter if you dont have enough gas in your car to get to that activity you are going to have to get gas sometime in the future, might as well be now. And it doesn't matter if you use more gas to go pick up someone and take them. It doesnt matter about the gas cuz, again, you still have to fill up sometime and it doesn't matter if you have a plus one in your car as you do it, just go to the activity yer supposed to be at.

Other little things she just shrugs at: It doesn't matter if that person can't show up or do something, you can always find someone else to help. It doesn't matter if you know you'll never see your bread pan again, you can get another one, they prolly need it more than you. It doesn't matter if you take the time to help this person out right now, cuz what else would you do. It doesn't matter if so and so is mad at you theres not much you can do about it. It doesn't matter if you spend this much money on your child, you wont even remember the purchase a few years later, as long as it helps them now, etc.

I've been thinking about it lately and I feel I have to make this correction in writing.

Now that I look back on it, I dont see it as an "I dont care" attitude. It seemed like that quality or characteristic bugged me, but helped me in my church issues and such.

But now I see it as a "do it anyway" attitude that I learned from my mother. That sounds more positive anyways.

It doesn't matter if that person shows up to help, you have to do the job anyway. It doesn't matter if your bread pan is missing you'll find a way to make your bread anyway in the future. It doesnt matter if you take time to help someone out, you -should- do it anyway. It doesnt matter if so-and-so is mad at you, you still have to go on with life anyway no need to get all worked up about it. It doesnt matter if you should spend that money in order to visit your child, you should do it anyway. Its the right thing to do. It illicits faith when you do something anyway trusting that it will turn out okay. And I've found, usually when you do take that leap it does tend to work out.

When I felt poor and grumpy and wanted to be alone and thus didnt want to go to that certain activity, I gased up my car anyway, I picked up that person who asked for a ride anyway, and I went to the activity anyway. I found the gas/money issue wasn't that important, it had to happen sometime, I found the person I picked up to be my new friend that made me laugh so hard the whole drive, and the activity it turned out wasn't that bad, if anything it was just fun to people watch and the food was always good. In the end none of those actions hurt me in any way. It was the right thing to do. Have faith and do it anyway.

Anyways, I think it shows priorities and unselfishness I feel I learned from my mother. As long as you are doing what is right, it doesn't matter the consequences, do it anyway.

Its not that she didn't care about Dals financial situation and or school situation when she pressured him to start a family. It was an act of faith she wanted him to exercise. Its not that she didn't care about me and wanted me out of the house when she pressured me to go to college. It was an act of faith. It was the right thing to do it. It was setting priorities. It pertained to things eternal rather than temporal.

If I were to pick a song that most described what I learned from my mother I'd pick this song.

"Anyway"