40 days. I feel disgruntled.

Disgruntled that James calls me. Disgruntled that I don't know if he's in NY or not. Disgruntled that I don't know why he's calling me, stupid I know, it's always the same thing but I always wonder. Disgruntled that its always the second round they want to 'try again and treat me better'. Disgruntled why 'this time I'll be better' is always the second or tenth time around. Disgruntled that these two boys are the only people I know down here and the only two that I would want to do something with regarding my birthday. Disgruntled that the brown boy turned so sour. I want him to go home with me. Disgruntled that I really have nothing planned for my birthday like I usually do. Disgruntled about the normal family banter of birthdays and the end. Disgruntled that I'm not sure I care...yet. Disgruntled by the fact that I know if I think about this hard enough I'll end up crying so I'm cleaning always cleaning, listening to loud music, moving from one project to another. I can't sit still. I can't think about this anymore. Disgruntled that I don't feel confident in myself when he calls. It only takes a stupid phone call. I HATE the fact that that boy gives me so much stress. So annoying! I wish I could just switch it on and off. Disgruntled that I don't know what I can do in this religion. Disgruntled that this condo saga is not quite gone yet, just lingering, daring for a last minute offer. Disgruntled knowing that my period is coming soon. Disgruntled that I know when I go to the store for more BC I'll buy a thing of ice cream and sit and eat it tonight.

Disgruntled about the fact that all I want for my birthday is a cat. And I can't have one.