I have some good days and some bad days.

I haven't been to the gym in two weeks.

I stopped taking calcuim.

I can't sleep anymore. The last week of gym I couldn't sleep either.

Relying on sleeping pills for any hope of sleeping.

I get so bored at work, abnormally so anyways.

I should be used to being so bored, but I guess I'm not.

The boy wanted to see me Mon after the weekend I ditched him. Understandalbe. Typical.

But Mon was one of my bad days.

Tues wasn't bad and that day he mentioned "I didn't know if you'd want to hang out tonight since we were going to hand out on Thurs and Sat"

Can this be true? Is this real? Is he giving me space? Is he slowly letting me to go? To do things I want to do? Alone? He doesn't have to be with 24/7 anymore?

I assumed he would be making up plans for Tues night by then, but if he was going to let me off the hook, I wasn't going to miss that chance. I have a feeling we were separated merely cuz he wouldn't agree to come over to my house and he didnt want to spend the energy to convince me to come over to his place.

Wednesday was a strange bad day. He obviously wanted to hang out despite what he had said yesterday. Those good things don't last long so you should hang onto them as long as you can.

I went home and took a nap, took a shower, cleaned the kitchen, cooked some spaghetti, and went to pick up Evan to go to forum. I thought about going to Institute, but I assumed the classes on Wed nights were packed full and I didnt really want to shove myself in a classroom... Bro. John Groeberg spoke about his mission in Tonga and which a movie was made of his story "Other Side of Heaven".

Evan played solitare the whole time and complained about people. I wondered if I should have taken him. He makes no effort. He blames people. He claims he hates people. Well, for someone who hates people he sure does rely on them for his happiness, oddly enough. He really does rely on people to make him happy. I'm not sure why b/c ppl are so fickle anyways.

It kinda irks me. Its like my 5 yr old nephew claiming "You are making me mad!" when you don't play the game the way he wants to. You CHOOSE to be angry. You only choose to be mad b/c you aren't winning or something. Nobody can make you feel anything. Its a choice. Evan chooses to be mad at people AND chooses to let people be the only way to make him feel good. I think it strange. I don't have friends and choosing to separate from boy a bit and I'm still somewhat held up together.... I certainly don't blame others and rely on someone else to make me happy.

I think its okay to have emotions, crying, sad, mad, hurt, happy, silly, hyper, but I do not agree so much with sulking. There's no where to go from there. There's just complaining and relying on others when its all YOuR choice. At least from those other emotions you can progress, move on.

I think he is going to ridiculous measures to make himself be happy. Because we were car shopping for me, after we kinda had the break up talk and he seemed to halfway accept that, he decided he should buy a car. Oy vay. The other day he decided he would go backpacking up Alpine by himself for a few days to be happy, alone, and have an adventure trying to survive. Whatever.

He's one of those "I'll be happy when" kind of people. He'll be happy when he buys a car. He'll be happy when he goes backpacking or on a vacation. He'll be happy when he can get some friends. He'll be happy when he can have wookie again and feel nothing spiritual. He'll be happy when he can find another girlfriend. The sad part is, the last one is true. And from there, he'll be stuck on her and hopefully she'll feel the same otherwise his cycle of happiness goes downhill again.

Either way I am not responsible for his happiness. I cannot obtain it for him. He is on his own.

I have to take care of myself currently. Right? Now what do I do?