Yesterday morning I got an overload of information regarding the risks and possibilities of Lasik surgery. There was one agreement I was supposed to sign that wasn't in the packet of info they gave me when I first inquired about it. It just happened to be the risks of the surgery, and it was a long list. I could understand why they didn't give that to me before... It scared the hell out of me!

It kinda bugged me, made me uneasy, every other sentence out of the Dr's mouth. He'd first start out saying how excited he was for me, then mention that I have dry eyes and its possible I'll need eyedrops the rest of my life or something, then he'd say this would change my life so much, and then he'd mention they could possibly overcorrect or undercorrect each eye (I thought he knew how much was needed to make it 20/20 or the best he could? what?) then he'd say everyone that has done this has says it changed their life so much, then he'd mention any enhancements would need PRK which hurts more and takes longer to heal so you'll need to take a week off work (ugh) and would most likely have the first enhancement in a year, then he'd mention something good again....

I'm sure he -meant- to say, when he explained the risks, the they rarely happen, at least the really bad ones like blindness, partial blindness, or even loss of the eye. He spoke as if all these risks were rare and don't happen a lot so it'll be okay and I'll just have to deal with the long term effects of this surgery which each person is different in healing. It just made it more clear to me that I have no idea what I'm getting into and he really didn't help me in that process til, well, NOW. I'm surprised he finally sat down and talked to me about it.

He explained the procedure step by step. Some of his graphics were uh graphic. He was explaining the 'pressure' I'd feel when the machine like squishes my eyeball to push the cornea down and he's using his fist into his hand and he even gives me a pressure guage by poking me with his finger, which on my leg is one thing, on my eyeball? Not so much.

So I was trying to process all that information and I kinda freaked out.

I was mostly fine until I went to fill my prescriptions yesterday and found out my insurance was not helping me out AT ALL. Nothing. Not one bit. Its bad enough insurance doesn't help with Lasik but seriously not even the antistetic/numbness of the eyeball when its in pain? So I kinda panicked. I called the doc and told him I couldn't pay $400+ for these eyedrops. He said to find the equivalent strongest dry eye drop in the store and that he'd find some samples of the pain killer eye drop for after the surgery. I'm not sure it solved all my problems but at least I didnt have to pay out the ass for eye drops.

So then my freaking out increased and I went shopping. I should never shop when having an extreme emotion. Its usually depression when I shop excessively. Apparently, I attempt to shop my fears away also. I ended up spending $50 on shirts and a skirt. Usually I get depressed when shopping cuz I'm too fat to fit things I used to. I got tired of looking in the closet at my favorite shirts and realizing they don't fit anymore. I got tired of realizing I had no short sleeve shirts for this warmer weather and knew I would die in the office if I didnt get some new shirts that fit my fat gut and larger arms.

But of course, I didn't stop there. I bought food too. Food I didn't really need, didn't think I could eat while I had food at home that needed to be eaten. And after buying food at the store, I go and buy Cafe Rio! Then I went to the Hobby Lobby to find more things to decorate the house with and ended up spending another $30 and then I went over to Wally World to find the eye drops I needed before surgery and took me, Evan, and a pharmastist to find what I needed with all the requirements the doc told me over the phone. Finally found it, and then I bought more food, ice cream to be exact and way more eggs than I needed.

If you don't count the $3,790 I just spent that morning on my eyeballs, I spent a good $100 after work. I'm FrEaKiNG OuT mAn!

Then I went over to the boys place and we ate Cafe Rio. He told me that he took my suggestion and bought tickets to Desert Star playhouse for my Bday. Then he mentioned he had filled out the "special occassion" part when he checked out so they will announce my Bday. Ugh. My heart just sank. I felt like I got punched in the gut. Seriously. After two years with me and he thinks I would LIKE that? He knows I'm not that kind of girl, that I don't like that kind of attention. Why would he do that? I mean 10 yrs down the road, if we were still together, he'd still be doing that? He's that clueless? Does he know me at all?

But then it became a pritti simple concept when I realized (and he said) he was only thinking of himself. HE thought it would be funny. HE wanted to see me embarrassed. HE wanted to laugh and point at me when they announced my name. Another look into the true self of Evan. And to make matters worse, Desert Star doesn't JUST announce things, they are a comedy club, their goal is to make people embarrassed and turn red and make fun of them. Some people are okay with being embarrassed and laughed at, I apparently am not like most people.

I was so freaked out about this weekend. I was glad I was doing Lasik this weekend so I wouldn't have anything to stress about next weekend and just have a relaxing, mello, week with my new eyesight. But noooo. Yeah, I'm the type of person to be nervous about such things to the point it might ruin the night/weekend.

Maybe I'm the selfish one now, but he complains about having a hard day. He just got stranded in Tooele when his truck broke down and waited for someone to come pick him up. woot woot. He wasn't the one that was told I might go blind, something MIGHT happen, something might end up being permanent to my eyeballs! He wasn't the one that forked out a lot of money for these risks! He's not the one that gets his eyeballs poked at this weekend! This is a serious and very important body part to me and to my career even! Okay, I'm just overracting. Freaking out again.

Breath in, breath out.

I can do this. It'll be okay. Almost everyone comes out good, fast healing, and happy! I can do this.