I got hit on the other day at the store by a black man with his young son in a stroller.

He followed me with his son and stroller around the make up section until I was alone in the aisle.

He said I was cute. Um, thanks? "Do you think I'm cute, too?"

Looking at his maybe 2 year old son in the stroller, "I think he's cuter."

He took that as a win as I didn't say no, "He's half mine! 50% of my DNA." He's a genius.

He went on with the ever so flattering statement that men for some reason keep using, "If I weren't married with a kid, I'd totally go with you." Yeah, cuz he wasn't already at that point? I wonder if that line actually works for him?

It was somewhat flattering. Maybe I still got it.

Now, if only I could get that bold attention from men who aren't married....

I have nothing against black or brown people, but they do seem to have some weird pull towards me. And most of them seem to think I'd be a good homewrecker or side piece of action I guess. Somewhat of a backhanded compliement isn't it? Given most of them think I'm not of age or barely of age, being as I look younger than I am, a creepy vibe usually ensues.

I think I'm invisible to white men. I've always been "cute" and always will be. Nobody has ever called me beautiful or sexy. Just cute.

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I love Valentines Day. I love the hearts, the pink, the white, some of the red, some of the flowers (the idea in general is dumb), the chocolate, the teddy bears, the giant cards, the love, the dates, the expectation of a man making a plan in which men seem to hate because they know its only the pressures of society and the stores/restaurants capitalizing on their money that make this all a big deal.

Granted, these are just ideas I've never really experienced... I guess I like the idea of it?

"Do you love me do you want to be my friend

And if you do

Well then don't be afraid to take me by the hand

If you want to

I think this is how love goes

Check yes or no"

-George Strait : Check Yes or No

Okay, mostly I like it for the gift giving. My love language. Adding my favorite color in there doesn't hinder either. Arthur found a card that he felt had my name written all over it and bought it and gave it to me like the first week of Feb. Its not hard to shop for me. Aw. He's never really been good with surprises/secrets. I gave my mother a "Hugs and kisses" painted blocks when I saw her on Superbowl Sunday and Braxtons 13th Bday.

I'm thinking about giving Natalies fam a heart shaped baked cookie. I have a coupon. I want to make my roommate some chocolate covered strawberries. I might attempt a fruit bouquet also. Ideas I've stolen from the stores that capitalize on V-Day in which I don't have coupons for.

So what do I want for Valentines Day? My mother asked. I told her a teddy bear I could hug at night when I go to sleep. Sigh. How sad is that. My Grandma gave me my last teddy bear which I still use, but its been a few years. But its special cuz it was from her.

What I really want?

I just want human contact; to be touched by a human. (another love language I respond to)

It doesn't have to be a male! Doesn't have to be single either, haha.

I mean animals are great and usually suffice. I had time with my parents cat over the weekend, but... I realize I haven't actually touched someone else, other than a handshake at church, for months. I realized, recently, every time Grandma hugs me I usually end up hanging on too long. But she lets me. I'm going to miss her smell.

A touch on my knee, a scratch on my back, a ridiculously long lasting bear hug, a head-burying in the crook of a neck kind of hug, a lazy hand on the shoulder, a hand through my hair. Something. Anything. Just to make me feel. Feel anything. At all.

"When everything feels like the movies,

Yeah, you bleed just to know you're alive"

- Googoo Dolls : Iris

This is not the weekend to let me be alone with my thoughts. I could literally lay in bed all day long Saturday.

Tuesday, V-Day, I'll probably be at the gym like usual, ironically, the place I dislike most, as I wrestle with my self-image and lack of confidence/hope. #thestruggleisreal

Well, that was depressing. Moving on. Good thing I've been reading books lately, occupying my mind.

I like the books because they tell of a world with bold and daring males who are interested and actually pursue, while reality falls remarkably flat with such ideas. But its a place I can escape, to dream, to hope, at least. Granted, I've ended up reading sci-fi and fantasy which I'm not too fond of in order to find such romance ideas. I've read about aliens attacking the earth (Richard Yancey), gargoyles and demons (Jennifer Armentrout) magicians and greedy rulers, (the Study series by Maria Snyder), and other worlds with people with unnatural abilities (Veronica Roth and Kristin Cashore). And within all that unbelievable chaos they manage to have a love interest.

Wait, so if these characters have to go through all these fantasy, made up events and catastrophes in order to find love, what does that say about my hope at finding love? Fictional, it seems. Unrealistic.

At least if I could find a normal fictional love story, like on earth with normal people, with a little bit of controversy/conflict, normal conflicts though, not like aliens or vampires. And without half the book being sex. That would be great. Hence my reading of young adult books. Great, now my desire to read and the only refuge from my own thoughts is dwindling.

I just finished a book. I think I'll start another one. Like now.