I keep having this fear/nightmare that Dad will do something even worser than the time he chose some lying juvinile delinquent over his two daughters words, comfort and safety. At times I think, naw, he can't be that cruel to go even farther, do something worse than that. Then times I think I bet he would just for kicks, just for the feeling of power in some weird way. Maybe his position in the church makes him think he can do such and that he has a right to do such. Maybe one day he will totally blow his whole relationship with me out the door because of a few sentences he says at the right time with the right people.

I understand I have these fears/nightmares when I'm stressed and I'm not sure why I seem to be stressed. I think its b/c of talking to Monica. She brought back the fears I have of dating I suppose. But this isn't exactly just an irrational fear. This could very well happen in my lifetime based on the past behavior of that man. It almost feels like a ticking time bomb. Waiting for the moment he says something beyond cruel to sever any relationship we once had.

My dad has some 'tough love' issues where he feels he has the right to tear others down with what he thinks is the truth (sometimes he's right, sometimes not), but he never builds or even remotely helps build them back up. I don't believe there is a role or position out there that requires you to tear someone down and make them build themselves back up on their own. Its just not healthy.

I made a mistake and that has already been thrown at my face multiple times by someone else telling the whole world about it. That person prolly truly believed thats what would help me in some twisted way. "I was just trying to help". ....but would my Dad be that cruel, that dense, to do the same thing and think it's only to help me? To humilate me in front of my whole family and maybe someone else I cared about....simply because he loves me and thinks its good for me?

I want to say that my dad would never do that to me, that he loves me enough to know what I do and do not need. He knows the kind of love that I need. He wouldn't say anything either privately with a stranger or publicly with family to hurt or humilate me. He wouldn't say something just to 'teach a lesson'. He wouldn't say something cruel just to be right, obvious, surprisingly blunt, to make someone gasp, to silence a room, and gain some type of power feeling from it. But even I'm not that stupid anymore.

I love you Dad. But there are some things I wish you would have never known simply so you couldn't use it against me in the future. And if I had the choice in the first place, back in 2006, I would have made sure you never would've known. And maybe, just maybe, you wouldn't compare me to Dustin all the time. Maybe if you never would've known, I could've been someone to you. And maybe I wouldn't be this scared of the future.. with you in it.

And despite what you think. I don't write this to get attention. I don't write in a journal period just to get attention. I write it because sometimes I can't sleep at night. Because sometimes I wake up crying. Because sometimes I'm scared to sleep at night knowing the many people that know my secrets and only imagining what they could do to use them against me. I know its not usually something someone plans, to hurt or destroy another, but in the heat of the moment, just for the sting of words, those secrets will come back. We've all had that experience at one time or another. Its just a matter of time.