This is basically an outburst I had on Valentines Day... It keeps coming back so I thought I'd write it down. Mostly regarding the spiritual nature of my life. I can't do this. I just can't do this anymore. I can't pretend that I'm happy living this way; cuz I'm not. I can't pretend my life is moving forward; cuz it's not. I can't pretend that I'm numb, that I don't feel any of these pricks; cuz I'm not numb and I do feel it all. I can't pretend that my life just wasnt ment to be the way I dreamed; cuz I'm still dreaming. I can't pretend that I shoved all hope and faith into a dark corner never to be found; cuz I found it again. I can't pretend that it's okay to feel used; cuz it's not. I can't pretend that the screaming inside of me has stopped; cuz it hasn't. I can't pretend that I can live like this the rest of my life; cuz I know I can't. I can't pretend to be naive and fall for these lies; cuz I know the truth. I've been pretending for years. I can't be fake anymore. I just can't. Ya know, if everyone was at least 90% real, true to themselves - do you realize what we could be? the things we could do? how much of our potential we could reach? This list of "I can't pretend anymore" always comes when the word "HOPE" enters my life. I can't decide whether to curse that word or praise it. Does it do more damage than good? I got my life planned out in both directions! Someone just tell me which life I'm gonna live! Two months is a lil' too long on putting a hold on yer life I'd think. None of this relates to my current feelings of today. I got an '08 tassle and somehow such a stupid thing has brought some peace in my life. Lame. Then I got a strawberry bubble tea. You can never go wrong with Bubble Tea. Last night I wrote out my non-invitations to my graduation. Just need to print out the announcement to go inside the envelopes which I'll try to do tonight. And that project will almost be over. yay.