Its amazing really.. Once you decide you don't like someone or are going to break up with someone that persons flaws really just start glaring out at cha, so much easier to be critical of them after making such a decision.

Ever since I kicked the boy out of my new condo he has really been bugging me.

And when he bugs me, I get all irritated, and when I get irritated then he gets "grumpy at me" after he tries to be so "nice" to me all the time. Lately, I've juss been calling it out as it is. Comments like "It aint working now what makes you think it'll work if we were married?" and things like "You dont ever notice those kinds of thing, why would you if we were married?" It da truth.

Now, if we were married then I would not have made a decision to split up with him and I prolly would not have such negative thoughts toward the boy. I would be totally in the marriage and divorce not an option. BUT the thing is kids, I am not married to the boy and I still have a choice and I'm getting out.

I know -everyone- says/feels like they will never be able and/or want to date ever again after a relationship ends, but from my experience I always find that someone else comes along and we have forgotten the pain from the previous boy. And here I am saying the same thing. Hypocrite and/or denial or not I'm saying it. If I get out of this relationship alive and in my lifetime I do not want to date ever again. I know this prespective will change with time whether I want it to or not. I know it will be okay. And I know that day will creep up on me and I'll be in another relationship thinking "I never thought I'd want and/or be able to find you after such a relationship with so-and-so"

Speaking of forgetting pain.... I was just thinking lately about forgiving others. I just read a book about the SEAL Team 6 that took out Osama Bin Laden. It seemed to have a mix of revenge and patriotism so much so I couldn't tell which was which anymore by the end of the book. I know every Sept there is some banner that says "We will never forget", but really who honestly thinks of that day in a horrible light every single day? Let alone those who think of it enough that it consumes their life and dictates their behavior? I mean, honestly, even for those that lost loved ones in the buildings and planes, how many honestly think about that day every single day of their lives? Obviously its easy for me to forgive Bin Laden cuz he didn't impact me directly by hurting someone I know and love directly, but knowing how many ppl he killed and those that died because they listened him, I still have to think its done and over and killing Bin Laden isn't going to bring them back. The only reason to kill him was to make sure it didn't happen again, and still prision might have guaranteed that. I'm not saying you should have to forgive the guy, I'm juss saying he'll get his justice and theres nothing more you can do but move on.

Anyway, I believe that God somehow gave us humans some type of ....gene or something genetically inside us, a 'forget' hormone that releases or something, so we can move on from horrible things. I know God gave woman some type of chemical that releases after having a baby and she forgets how painful that was, forgets so much so that she wants to do it again in a couple more years. I think we all have some of that to an extent so we can heal and move on. If we held and pent up all that anger, pain, and betrayal during a lifetime we'd be shriveled up prunes or something. If we all remembered the pain from all our relationships the past few decades we definitely couldn't move on and find happiness. I think God helps us out with that sometimes. Of course, you have to be somewhat willing to let it go and let God take it so you can move on.

We all have fantasies. His prolly involve having wookie with me since I have refused for like a month now, and mine seem to drift into dating someone else. Ironic and odd. There I know something is wrong with this situation...

I fantasize about guys with opposite qualities of Evan, but I try to balance it out, not an extreme opposite of Evan, but not too close to his quirks and personality either. Sigh. If someone were to ask what qualities I seek in a man I wouldn't be able to tell you anymore. All the qualities I wanted in a man are basically in Evan, but I just can't seem to get over the one or two deal breakers (and therefore everything else bugs the crap out of me).

So if I got this close to the man I want, compatible, we really go together and couldn't go through with it.... how likely am I to get a closer match, one that doesn't have dealbreakers?

And the other dilemmas are the same old ones I've had for like 5 years now. If I were to find a close match like this again and got over this huge hump called fear to actually marry the poor guy, there is still a big giant question mark regarding children. And its still not fair to those I'm dating if I dont know and they have their exceptations of a marriage and family.

Well, I'm not getting any younger.

Marriage isn't so much a big deal and hurry to me as the question of one day I actually want to have kids and girls have bioglogical clock still running...

I have this weird fear he'll like cheat on me when I got visit Natalie in May-June. Mainly cuz I'm not putting out like he "needs" and also cuz I went on a 'vacation' without him. We all know how he feels about vacations and how he needs one every month if he could. It would be ironic though after all the convos about his past coming back to repeat during this relationship. It would make ending this easier if he moved on though, in any way he can I'll take it. But it would still suck and still hurt like hell if he did. When I 'broke up' with him all these times at least I didnt do it by saying "hey I'm sleeping with someone else". But its just a silly fear for now. He's more passive than that and would rather beat himself up and let me be the bad horrible ex than to take steps to help himself and find a way to move on by himself. But who knows how far he'd go...

In the end we choose two different roads. I actively choose one road, the hard one and he, by not making a decision choose another road, of course the easier road. Despite his denial and verbal acknowledgement, he has chosen his road and it is not the same as mine. He can say he wants the road I'm on til he's blue in the face, but until there are active steps made toward the road theres not much I can do but leave him behind and keep walking down the path I chose. I'm sorry if thats selfish, but there are times when its okay to be selfish for your best interest, times you just have to save yourself before you can help others.