let me begin again. i must begin. rebegin. a new life. a new set of mind. a new mind set. i have to rearrange my days and times. and ticking minutes by. i have to at 23 to grow up. and hold on tight. because i've never rode like this before. alone. there are no passengers to direct me. help me out of sticky situations. it is me now. whether i like it. or love it. or not. my mother has died. my only mother. i do not have a father. never had. not really. although i had 2. steps or stones. my family steals. and lies. and cheats. and hates. too much. for my good. i do not like dwelling here. anymore. i do not like what i have become. i do not like being alone. but. what is there to do. stop. and die. and how i wish i had some time. to cry. forever. but i can't. no. time and destiny and fate and hell. will not allow. me to lay it all down. and stop. my breathing must go on. the pumping of my heart must continue. to feed my veins. i must wake up. each and every day. missing her. you. missing those times. the good and the bad. i must wake up. and open my eyes. i guess. i have to get my mind in order. change the strangeness of it all. come to some conclusion. lay off the illusions. for now. my time is here. waiting. for me to act. and i am stuck between the past. and past. and future hurtings. i don't want to cry. for i fear it will never end. never end. what can i do. other then live. what can i do. other than survive. what. nothing. and i hate it. more then hating allows. i am angry. and i am hating. and i loathe the way they all come around. talking. and helping. and sighing. i loathe the way they look at me. with that look of nothing. they weren't here. they didn't care. and now. its all changed. they care now. welcome now. love now. fuck them. i have no family. i have no one. and i will be fine. eventually. someday. when the aching lays down. sleeps. for awhile. once the pain lets my heart rest. and i can smile again. without guilt. i would like it all to fade away. i would like to get up now. and walk away. walk out the door to another day. like all the songs and books. say to do. be a drifter. alone. walk the earth. and find wherever it is. i come from. really. i would like to find a new home. and leave this one in the dust of old times. let the leaves cover the ground. i want to see colors. and shapes. i want to meet new faces. and learn new names. i want to walk new paths. and find new streets. i want a new fear to hate. and a new way to hate it. i want new love on an older day. i want things to change. i want a new me to do new things. i want. i want. i want. and i must do to get. move to action. and reaction. and such things. i need to become mature. and such. and do what it is i must. and i hate it. i hate it. but.