i do this every time. and every time it still ends up hurting a bit. stinging a bit. is it me or are they sending mixed messages. i dont want to feel this way about him. i dont want to think about him anymore. and yes. i honestly do wish i never met him although i cant wish that fully because we did have good times and good memories and good stories. but why. why pretend or lie or want or need me and then not care. why act like im so important to you for no reason at all just so you can go ahead and walk away. i mean it cannot all be me getting the message wrong. how can you remember what i said and what i was wearing the very first time you seen me and then not care to try for me. not care to care for me. i dont understand. and the more i try to understand the less it makes even a bit of sense. and i dont really care i suppose. and maybe thats why it never works. because im so easy going about it. i never fight for it. because i always figure ill fail. but i cant try this time. because id be pushing it. its apparent that he doesnt care. if he did he would have replied. he would have replied with one fucking message or text or phonecall. but he hasnt. and he wont. and i know this because ive been through this. and i wont bother him like i bothered joe. because it doesnt work. and some times. no all of the time when someone doesnt care about you. you just have to suck it up and let it slowly go. maybe i feel like this because i feel like i shouldve won something. i shouldve gotten what i wanted but i didnt and its been left so open. almost the entire time he was here last time he kept telling me how much i wanted him and needed him and missed him and he never once said he needed or wanted or missed me. not once. and he blew me off after that. so forget it. be done with it. and i know this will take a bit of time it always does. and in the end i always feel better and get rid of the feelings. and move on. and eventually maybe ill deserve the guy or maybe next time ill actually participate and get the one i want regardless if hes taken or not. im tired of playing games with myself. and trying to convince myself that i dont need that. that love. that person to be with. because i do. and i wish that person was him but it wont be because he doesnt need me like that. he has his girlfriend and he loves her. he does and i know this. and i guess i have no choice but to accept it. and it hurts. it stings doing this time and time again and feeling passed by. and left alone. and left to survive on my own. i just need someone to hold my hand. i need someone to tell me when to stop and make me stop and help me take control of myself. because i fear i will never be able to do it alone. im afraid that ill be alone forever and not feel any of those good feelings that i need to feel because im so fucking numb these days and weeks and months that it frightens me. because my heart rarely jumps anymore. and my mind rarely races. and i fill my time with numbing everything with alcohol. and its beginning to end good things for me because i cant control it. and all i ever want is the good time but when will it all crash against the wall. it all has to end some time. and im scared of my lack of emotion and my lack of caring and my lack of worry. he took care of me and i felt safe. and i didnt realize until he was completely gone how nice it was to have someone do that for me. and the more i think about it thats what all of them have tried to do for me. take care of me. and keep me safe. and this might have worked out differently if i wouldve wanted him when he wanted me. i just want to feel something and have someone feel it back. and just a hug. and just have someone hug me and tell me its all going to be okay and that i can feel things and they can stay and remain and feel things with me. all i want is to feel it. to feel anything other then pain. and numbness. i feel so very lonely. and i dont want it to get worse. i came here to change and i am becoming the old me. and the old me is just too much for me to handle. and i refuse. i refuse to be her again. and feel even worse then i do now. because right now i feel like fucking burning hell. i feel at the bottom with no way up. i wish he would call and say he felt the same way. i wish he would make some move towards me. so i could tell him i need to feel safe. but. i know better. i always know better. there will be no phone call or message or text or any word from him and like a dream he'll be forgotten in time. and if by chance i ever do see him i'll stare through him as though he doesnt exsist. and he wont mind one bit. i feel so sad.