and the beat goes on. and on. and forth. i have come to nothing. from nothing. by nothing. and no will restraint. i have no control. and no wanting. to have. such. a thing. she is dead. and has been dead for nearly 4 months. now. i am handling it worse now. but this. is all i have. pretending she never existed at all. i cannot let my mind wander to her memories. those sweet. tempting. memories. of before times. and those times. and good times. and nothing taste good anymore. the air hangs heavier now. that she has gone. the sky more dull. the grass less green. the feeling gone. that love of things. ended. far too soon. and now. i feel the tears coming. that pressure behind my eyes. that fluttering in my chest. that painful recognition of facts. the facts of life. and death. marcella. i miss you. i miss you more then i can ever say. without bursting into a flow of endless tears. or screaming out your name. breaking things. shattering things. just to feel it. just to see it. just to have it. once again. i am a ghost myself. now. i roam about. alone. and with company. and feel nothing. i roam about in my own little world. thinking my own little things. being nothing. because it hurts too bad to be anything. but dead. i would like to still scream. even now. right now. i would like to break something. or anything. or anyone. i would like to apologize to her face. and touch her skin. and tell her i am sorry. for letting you down. for forgetting. and ignoring. and hating. the only one i ever had. and loved. and still i miss her. and wait for her. and it doesn't feel real. because i won't allow it to be. i can't. i wouldn't move again if i thought about it long enough. i would lay down. and cry. and cry. and cry. and cry. and. on. and. on. until my very own welcomed end. i miss her. i don't believe i'll ever recover. from this heartache. this horribly lonely pain. i don't believe i'll ever recover. not really. not ever. i don't believe my heart will ever be the same. not really. FORGIVE ME.