things are never meant to remain the same. this is a very difficult thing to realize. it's taken me years to find myself. it will take me even longer to decide whether or not I really want to be myself. today is a usual day like any other. I sit and I type. I wait for something that will never really get here. I wait for anything. I can't help my patience. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ the angels play these games before us testing their fate unlike us they are immortal unlike us they know their limits demons dance below smiling waiting waiting the right time will come the days will all blend into one they will all be forgiven they will all breathe ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Cousin's boyfriend's mother had a heart attack. She's only 39. Years of drugs and drinking can wear a body down. Wants to borrow $20 that I don't have. Remember college. That takes all my money. and all my sanity. break is almost over. days are going by too slow and too boring. damn my mother's drunk again. she's one of those sober-drunk-sober-drunk-sober-drunk etc. alcoholics. one day she's a new person and quitting, the next day she's lit brighter than a x mas tree. it shouldn't really get to me anymore, but it does. i'm trapped here. no money to move out, no fucking car to use, no where to go etc. i could move in with some friends, but than my college career would go down the drain because i don't know any overly responsible people. damn my only comfort is that fact that i have some 100 proof left and i think i'll finish it tonight. is it possible that i'm catching the alcoholic bug? i don't really want to answer that so i won't. no need to admit anything to myself that i feel i won't be able to handle or deal with. so what if i am. we all need release. my inspiration for writing has vanished into the abyss. i'm yearning for my one moment of final artistic release and it's not coming. i don't get that light feeling anymore when i write. all i feel is anger and boredom. writing is not supposed to be boring to me. i am a writer. i'm 21 and i've hit a block. nothings coming and when it does it just sounds like shit anyways. maybe i'm being punished for everything wrong i've ever done. i'll continue to wait though, i always will. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ anger rises crying eyes rage pulsates beating heart wild restless hopeless gone back gone passed missed lost forgotten briefly loved briefly hated gone anger rises rage builds soul pleads wrist bleeds ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ damn i am so depressing.