and its warm here. hot. and i need a tan. and to work out more. and more. and better. actually do it.now. i want that job at borders. i want it. very. badly. if i got the job. id never mess it up. because. i love borders. and. then maybe i wouldnt have to go back to erie. i. dont. want. that. place. any. longer. because. its tired out. and im tired out. and i just need a new life. and i need to forget the old one. i assume. no. point. in. remembering. because. i dont have anyone back there. who cares. except for danielle and lisa and will. and thats all. because. ive fucked up. and burnt my bridges. but. i suppose. thats how it just goes. tempted to try whatshisname. but. i wont. ive bothered him too much. for too long. and theres no pay off anyway. i really wish id get hired there. i want. it. i. want it. i. want. it. i feel lonely. and sarah is still circling her life around bobby. but. i still love it here. i do. i need my car. or. a car. and. then ill be fine. maybe i can work out getting it sooner then i hoped. ill bribe someone to drive it out here. one way or another. ill bribe them. because. thats what you have to do when you need someone to do something for you. bribe them. if i could go home. and. grab it. id feel much better. send sarahs parents money. until i feel its satisfied. my debt to them. my debt to everyone. people i owe. for. one. reason. or. another. and. i dont want to worry about the trailer. if they take it. they take it. i dont care. i never belonged there anyway. i hope i meet a fun and nice guy soon. well maybe not so nice. but. fun. would. be. nice. and. maybe this time i wont screw it up so badly. maybe. i cant make promises. im difficult. and i cant help it. and maybe i dont want too. most of the people i know back in erie. act. like. they have it all together. and. they dont. not even close. at any moment theyre going to go under. and. they dont even attempt to stop it. because. they dont care. how can you care when youre too busy being perfect. joe makes no mistakes. he has it all under control. snorting his coke. smoking his weed. and lying to himself. and he had the nerve to criticize me. and have the nerve to say i commented too much on everyone else. to hate me now because i fuckedhimup a bit. well fuck him. fuck him for not being what he pretends to be. but. joel did say. whatyouseeiswhatyougetandthatsalljoeis. and. hes right. so screw him for not knowing me. and just playing. and hating me for playing as well. i didnt want more then just what we had. fun. gettingbyandgettinghigh. and laughing. and watching lame ass movies. i still cant remember. but. nothing can remain the same. not with me anyways. i was just entertainment for his boredom anyway. the last resort. so fuck him. and his life. and his lies. and his petty little stores. because. when it comes down to it. i stepped out. and. im sure he doesnt have the nerve too. who needs nerve or balls when they have whitelightning. eh. but. im tired of all those thoughts about home. because. i can rewind and play back all id like. but. it wont change anything. and. analyzing it all just isnt my deal anymore. because. no many how many times you ask why. you never get the answer you want. so theres no need. i do miss the times back home. and the people. no matter how much i dislike them some times. i wish i couldve been better. for her. for them. for myself. please let me get this job so i dont have to go back there right now. or. anytime soon. please let me get it a bit in order. so i can gain back some of my ground. and feel fate on my side again.