i have hit a wall of laziness. and carelessness. and restlessness. and i stay awake until 7 in the morning. thinking of things. and dreaming of things. and missing thing. and trying not to think about other. things. my routine has become a base of laziness. i move not unless i must. i wake not unless i am disturbed. i do nothing. because. i feel like nothing. a shell of whatever it was. i used. to be. something more before. that thing that. happened. and now. i am nothing. a wreck. of bones. piled high up to the. sky. getting fine. by getting high. and again. please. it will end. it must. this new path. this new way of mine. i must move from this house. i must move. out. on my. own. and start. a life. of some miserable kind. and all i hear are lies. they call and want me there. with them. down there. with them. that level. these people. i have nothing in common with. but the sensation and temptation of the high. the need. the need. and i go. and sit. and make jokes. and laugh a laugh or two. and they laugh. and we try to score again. and again. and some times we are lucky. and other's not so much. and times. and times. with these people. i do not trust. cannot trust. them. now. for more then one reason. i feel like the prey. to the predator. i feel misguided. and vulnerable. to stupidity. at any moment the steel gates will close. slam shut. on my head. and then my punishment will come. full force. ten fold. karma. but who knows. no one knows. knows. nothing. there's nothing to really know. this world is a cruel place. with cruel things happening every day. and i would just like to live. my own way. and let it all fade down past my mind. away. from here. this world is nothing to the imagination. and worse. why shouldn't i live how i want? i do not crave the american dream. or scene. i just would like to see a few things. and do a few things. and snort a few things. and smoke a few things. and love a few things. before. my time is done.