so. ive blown a few more things this week. walked into my roomies bedroom with no pants on. ive been overly affectionate with a new good friends man. ive allowed myself to be practically molested by some over thuggish dude. and these are just items from the last 7 days. i have pages and pages and hours and minutes and weeks full of this bullshit. this fuckedintheheadbullshit i never fail to bring upon myself. because i cannot for the life of my utter those sweet little words i need. NO THANK YOU. NO BOOZE PLEASE. NO. NO. NO. NO. NO. i cant do it. or i can do it and choose everyfuckedup time not to do it. why? i wish i knew. i wish i knew why the feeling gets so needy and so bad. and even tonight. while i lie to sweetprotectivedaddyrey i sit here chugging beer. literally counting down the minutes until he left. and regretting it deeply after. he doesnt and isnt required to love me. to protect me. to want more for me. hell ive barely known the man a year and he shows me more patience and love than anyone in my family ever has or had. and still i push him. lie to him. but tonight it was just nice being with him and andrew. a small weird little family. and dont forget dominique. i love her too. and its nice. and comfortable. and if i can somehow this weekend beat my demons ill be home free. and free to love. before i didnt care about hurting people. i regretted it but only for a brief moment and usually passed it on to the fact that they somehow without explanation deserved my mistreatment. how wrong i was. i now cant even imagine a real life without rey caring or mandy caring. it would be a very lonely and empty life. and my mother and god blessed me with rey for a reason. because no one else wouldve ever made it this far and through so much with me in such a little bit of time. i want to make him proud. because i owe it to him. and i will because if i dont ill end up alone and dead. and i like the idea of a new little family better. not perfect. not sane. not alright. but close enough. just like the family i miss. ------------------------------------- the key is to knowing how and when and how to fight to stop. dont take it all from me yet. give me a minute to find my head. im almost there. no more stories is a start. just give me one minute more. and i promise to touch my addiction never again. for the sake of keeping what ive already lost and what ive still got.