i really do dislike myself. im close to selfloathing. because. even after all these things. and promises. and needing to. i never ever change. how does one become something else after being one thing for so long. how can i change what ive been for 23 years. and maybe i wouldnt change it all. because. im sure when i was smaller. i was happier. and i loved who i was. because. i wasnt who i am now. i was better then. i suppose. and all i think about is myself. all the time. thinking. and rethinking. analyzing. and reanalyzing. such a burden to be the main subject of your mind all the time. i wish i hadnt fucked up so much. maybe then i would have more people who cared about me. i feel so alone. all of the time. even when i have company. i hate being all i think about. but. nowadays. this is all i have is me on my mind. and trying to work it all out. so i can actually. maybe. become something different. i wish joe didnt hate me. and i wish i hadnt made it all such a mess inside and out. i joke too much. and play too many games. or i try too. and it back fires. always. because. i can never calm down. i always have to push it too hard. because. i like it chaotic i guess. i cannot let it all just be. without messing with it. now and then and more and then. im glad he doesnt or wont or wouldnt read this. because. hed probably misunderstand again. and it would just go on and on and on. i just like people close. because. im afraid of being alone. because. when youre alone. all of those thoughts come back. and thats when i see her eyes. and hear those old words. and feel that sickening. twisting. pain. all over again. i dont like being so alone. i'm tired of rambling about the same things. something is going to give eventually. and i will be fine. because. no matter how much i whine and cry and complain. i always make it work. eventually. i am by no means stupid. i just do too many stupid things. ill rule the world before im done and gone. i know that much.