or at least thats how it feels. thinking hurts. brutally. and. ive decided to not buy sarahs computer. because. i dont personally feel like handing her my money for a piece of shit. who cares. i care. who cares. i dont care. as long as i remain on good terms with her. and. i stay nice and smile sweetly to her parents. then i should be fine. im sure shes angry. about one thing or another. or something. unrelenting. i cannot help it if our paths do not cross as they once did. she made the choice. not me. she decided to leave me at her apartment here. she told me to go make friends. to go find a life. and. i have. it may be small and. busy. but. its a new little life. and. i dont particularly see any place to include her. shes useless to me now. and. i dont mean to sound bitter. for now im really not. not angry nor upset at her. i just dont bother. because. i dont feel like it. my position should always remain unsettled. i will not allow myself to grow too comfortable here. because. i do not wish to be comfortable anywhere. anything.can.happen. at.any.fucked.time. so.be.prepared. and.not.surprised. ive also decided to work on getting my car one way or another. if i pay eric off faster. and. pay sarah the rest of what i owe her. then my money will be my money. and. ill only have a phone bill and rent to pay. because. ill only pay personal debt from now on. screw social. screw liability. i owe eric around 420 more dollars. sarah only about 200. easy. and. then split the paycheck between rent. and. ill be set. and. more capable to leave. or. what not. id like to see california. seattle. portland. texas. phoenix. hollywood. and. mexico. one way or another i will. i refuse to settle. maybe a year in nevada. and. then maybe a year some place else. as long as its on my terms. ill be fine. i have to remember to keep to the simple. extravagance is not my thing. never really was. never will be. i will not be owned by anything. my life should always fit into 3 bags. minus the ridiculous stuff i kept back home. a few boxes of ashed memory. ill go through those again. get it down again. i refuse to own things. except things that can easily be thrown out or packed and taken along. i. will. feel. better. now. relaxed. and. smile. because. ive. come. quite. a. long. way. from. yesterday. i do wish sarah and i could get along like we used too. but. it just feels so lame with her now. and. i believe she is a bit taken back with me. and. i still think losing all that weight has had something to do with it. i dont know. its her problem. not mine. i want to remain light.