to be something. be something. get up and exist. get up and wake up. and be. breathe. come and do what it is you need to do. and the time for change has come. all day things fell down around me. tumbled to the ground. because she was on my mind. all day. memories. memories. ghostly. horribly lovely memories. of her love. of her gone. and it rips my soul apart. excuse me while my heart breaks. again and again and again and again and once more. to make it more then i can bare. and its a sign of the times. that i have become far too comfortable. far too relaxed. far too bitter. i do not want to be a dreamer. i want to be a do-er. i want to be alive. and share it all with the world. for no money. but for legend. i am legend. and i am ready. and i want. i will not be down and out and bitter and sad and hopeless like i was back there. i am thankful. i am thankful for having a bed. a nice place to rest my head. a nice warm room to shelter me from the cold world. i am thankful for having a bit of food. and for not going hungry. a year ago. back there in that small town. in a trailor missing pipes and heat and life. i was kept alive by a crazy dog and a small crazy cat. and i am thankful. for having a bit of dosh every now and then. for being safe. for not being completely alone. and sad. for not having to wear 8 layers of clothes just to keep barely warm. i almost forgot. i almost. forgot. but. it hit me like thunder on the bus. that a year ago things were so much worse. so much down and out and down and sad. ive come a long way. since then. and i wont lose it over anger. and attitude. be the bigger person. be the do-er not the bitch-er. ------------------------------ shes gone and it weighs my heart down like cement blocks in my pocket while i walk into the ocean. it weighs me down like a boulder on my back. like a weight of 1000 lbs on my chest. smothering all feeling except sadness. but. ill be fine. ill come to terms. ill come to. terms. eventually. if i want to survive. if i want to keep going on. ----------- if he can do it. i can do it. if she can do it. i can do it. i.will.be.some.thing.grand.behold.