Waiting by the phone for a call that will never come. Sick to my stomach from guilt and loneliness. Depressed with depression. Bored with feeling bad. Bored with feeling anything. I want numbness. Novacain for my mind. A temporary escape. Envying those perky, happy people. Wondering what foolish mistake in a past life left this stain on my heart. Don't know how to feel anymore. Don't know what to do. Don't know how to act. Don't know what to say. Why pretend you care? All you do is walk away. Distance. I was feeling better when I had nothing to think about. Now my mind's in over drive. Wondering. Worrying. Waiting. Plotting. I guess it doesn't really matter. It's all the same in the end. My life has been a flash. A polaroid. Seconds drag on, but hours fly by. Rejection is my main infection. Festering pain of neglected love. The words I love best deal with darkness. Even that I would change just to be perky. Happy. Joyous. Nice. Damned if I don't. Damned because I did. So many words, so little time. The only way to heal is to find what I am missing. Missing a piece. Something I keep trying to replace with these other meaningless things. I feel like the tin man without a heart. Waiting for The Great and Powerful Oz to cure me. In the end it's all about curing yourself. Time. It all takes precious, long time. Eventually is becoming one of my favorite words. Eventually it will all be fine. Eventually I will be happy. Eventually I will find what I need. Eventually there will be world peace. Eventually..all things will end. I began drawing again. Graffiti. It's the only thing I'm really good at. I could've been a wonderful street artist. If only I liked spray paint as much as I like paper and a pen. If only. Done for now.