thats my problem. i build loose relationships. based on loose knowledge and committment. i dont like it. i dont like to be criticized for who i am. for what i am. for being as plain and bland as i am. its happening here. the same old routine. and im disliking it. i wont mind when hes gone. i wont mind at all i believe. hes become annoying. and i dislike annoyances. i dislike someone feeling comfortable enough to inform me of what i need to change. i shouldnt have to change anything. i shouldnt receive one comment about me. my style. or my lack there of. what is it that everyone wants me to be. what is it that i should be. what the hell am i lacking so much that it begins to bother others. i cant just be. i cant just be. i have to be something more. or be some way more. i understand my style is more then plain and predictable. but why does it matter so much. i dont feel like speaking to anyone here for awhile. they remind me too much of those i left behind. and i dislike it. i dislike feeling as though im not enough. i dislike feeling as though im being viewed as i used to be. i dont like the connections ive made here. and i believe id like to call it quits with those that ive met thus far. i dont like the way things have built up around me. im beginning to feel like i did back there and it shouldnt be happening. i wont let it happen. i will not be placed into some suffocating fucking cage. not like i was back there. thats what i hated most about joe. he wouldnt keep his fucking mouth shut about all my flaws. all of my imperfections. and when i changed it he still had shit to say. and say. and say how i changed to please him. fucking asshole. and i miss that? i cant believe it. i cant believe i miss anyone i know. i cant believe i actually like anyone i know here. im growing insane of this place and i dont like it. i want to feel like i did when i first landed here. i want to feel different. not so trapped by assumptions and opinions. fuck dan. and his young know it all ass. fuck joe and his cracked out low self esteem obsession over a bipolar 18 year old whore. and he had the nerve to say i was shifty and flawed. bastard. fuck everyone who has something to say about me. i am who i am. fucked up and twisted and ive never denied it or tried to hide it. ive always been me. fucking pricks. im tired of not fitting into the mold. not fitting into the way i should be. or could be. or how others want me to be. i left that shit behind. far behind. in the dust. and it itches my skin that if joe had been half fucking decent and just taught me what i wanted to know without his dumbass assumptions getting in the way i couldve made it a little better in erie. maybe i wouldnt have nearly froze to death those months. maybe id still have my fucking trailer and belongings and my goddamn dog and cat. but no he had to assume i wanted him in the worst way because of course im so crazy and infatuated. damn id like to punch him in the face. hes so convinced he has it the right way. one step away from going to jail over pathetic shit just because hes too damn lazy to put his mind and heart into anything else but drugs. him and aimee and tom belong together in a nice pathetic threesome. damn i feel angry. angry at myself for actually feeling guilty. fuck that. he deserved it. playing with me. i never wanted anything from him. but of course he assumed. as they all do because heaven forbid a girl just wants to hang out. just wants to get high. without any reprocussions. without any deeper meaning. fuck everyone. im getting itchy and tired and cold again. i dont like it but maybe its about time. i need to concentrate on finding a new place to go. i wont be dragged back down into that depressing shit of being unhappy where i am again. i wont do it. i refuse. i will not be that old amanda. i will not be that old stupid fat spoiled scared ass. i feel like kicking someone in the face.