i dont want to go back home yet. regardless of the loneliness problem. being lonely is better then being back there. i dont want to go back to erie so soon. not now. not next month. not in july. that isnt long enough for me. not at all. i just want to stay here for a moment more. and more. and longer if i can. i dont like thinking about erie. and me returning there. any. time. soon. but. i have a feeling. an unappealing. feeling. that ill be back there sooner then i want. and be broke again. and hungry again. and unhappy all over again. at least here i have a chance. a small chance of being something else. and i didnt mean to hate on sarah. but. she is supposed to be my friend. and. tomorrow ill have to be gone by the time she gets out. because. i dont want a confrontation and her saying things to me. because. i dont want to hear them. because. i dont want to go fucking home. that isnt my home. not back there. not now. there is nothing there for me. and no one called me today. not one fucking person. and all sarah could do was text me. and i told her our friendship was lame. and she lame? why? and then i went to bed. and she sent another message umm lame? now why do you think i think our friendship is lame. is it only obvious to me. that she seems to be. so dead now. so dead. and nothing. i think thats what i miss about her. shes nerdy and perky but she had more balls a few months ago. last year ago. and im sure she wont appreciate the things i sent in that dear email. but. i dont care. life is too short for lies. and covering it all up. i just emailed a dj. hoping that maybe he will come stay. and save me from returning home. back to fucking waste of erie. erie. where the only people that survive there survive because theyre too fucking stupid to die. and fuck joe. and his perfect coked up life. and fuck everyone. my family. what family. i have no family there. no blood. not anymore. and i dont care. im over the obsessing. and feeling stupid. ill be fine. if i can figure out how to stay here. and survive here. tomorrow i call a hotel to see if i can live there. 350 a month isnt bad at all. i just need to make sure i can make it to my job. i do need to work. i do need the money. i do need to keep my head above the water. i hope i can. i hope i can. i dont want to go back to fucking erie. no. i. dont. not. so. soon. i havent had enough of the life here. i havent tasted enough. or breathed enough. i. want. to. be. here. not. there. not. now. not. soon. no. no. i. hope. some. thing. gives.