it's true. i don't feel emotions. as others do. i sound the same whether i'm excited, heart broken, or happy. i'm monotone in the heart department. i've been thinking a lot lately. about things that have happened. and the things yet to come. i feel nervous. and a bit confused. but i guess it will all happen. whether i'm there or not. and there. i've decided that sir patrick is no longer worth my worry. or my aching heart. he's not worth my mind. nor my body. he's not worth my thoughts. nor my dreams. i've been plagued with this crush now for a very long time. almost, no exactly a complete year. i've decided it is no longer worthy of my energy. my brain power. my heart force. i'll survive. i always do. i'm overly confident that way. no matter what happens. or goes down. there's always the feeling of "being okay" that gets me by. helps me move on. allows me to wake up each morning. mourning? funny how words are. so double meaning and such. like orwells doublespeak. it's possible. even now. i'm going on about nothing. and it feels fine. i have nothing to prove. nothing to show. i am what i am. and happy all the same. i guess. i won't grieve. i won't think of old memories. and old words. i won't allow it all to stick on my brain. it isn't easy surviving all alone. breathing all alone. with no one here to remind me. to keep going. "you just need to apply yourself." fuck you. sir pat. i apply myself to what i find necessary. my future is open. i won't lock myself up in fantasy and illusions based on hopes and scores. i don't. i won't. i can't. keep thinking about you. and your smile. and your non-way with words. you have someone else. and she has you. and i will go on as though we never met. someday, when we pass eachother on the street i will treat you as though you never existed. i will stare past you. towards the wall. i will make you aware of your own existance. and your lack of in my world. i won't speak to you. nor smile. it'll be as though we never met. but we did. and you're the only one who remembers it. i will treat you as a stranger. and you will feel burned because of it. in my world. there are no second chances. no third happenings. no get out of jail free cards. in my world. i allow. eventually. all things to go. to drift away. i let those that i no longer find interesting. to vanish from my heart. i give up. and when i do. i never look back. i may not know much. but. this is the most i know of myself. i know how cold and calculating i am. how icy my heart grows. and stays. and remains. i know my bitterness. my restlessness. and my wildness. i know these things. for sure. i know myself well. after awhile it makes no difference what you say or do or want or think. i eliminate you from my mind. erase you from my past. i've done it before. and i'll do it forever. i know how i am. with such sad things. i'm painting and i love it. i like learning how to make it all work. bringing my ideas out onto canvas. painting and writing. one in the same. two in the game. these are the things i find my redemption in. writing horrid tales about others misfortunes. while depicting my own fears hidden in my words. painting abstract ideas. with black. red. and white paint. i find my solace here. in between this rock. and that stonecold hard place. i find shelter in the after thought. and the 20-20 hindsight of life. i enjoy making mistakes. because mistakes are worth making. i am anti-perfection. and pro-addiction. i won't wait. not for you. or the next. or the one after that. what i have. cannot be put on hold. and shoved away. and abused. what i have. is not some toy. to be toyed with. not some useless object. what i have. is what you're lacking. the things you're missing. the thoughts you will never have. the ideas you could never comprehend. what i have. is all i have. and this is how it goes. on and on. life. my pain. my glory. my love. dfn.