love. wanting it. waiting for it. needing it. that unreliable. and. untruthful. thing. it isnt love id like to have. its just someone to be with. for a moment or two in time. to drink and what not. someone who seems to have something on their mind. someone who discusses more then my faults. and ever so present and well known flaws. and. i know im fucked up. and. i know im fucked up. i dont need to be reminded. of all my silly. stupid. useless flaws. id like a hug. or something simple. and just as lame. and. childish. always accused of wanting more. and. never totally understood. or. even attempted to be understood. and. id just like to have someone to talk too. for a moment and such. lie. i lie. thats the truth. id like to have something else to replace this crushing pain on my heart. this hurt that just will not burn away. this resilient pain. that just keeps on paining. and. hurting. and. tearing. me apart. i would like to have someone to explain it all too. someone to understand. and know me just a bit more then everyone else. a knight with rusted armor. i know im fucked up. i know im fucked up. i know. i know. more then ever do i know. i dont think ill ever find what it is i need. because. no one i ever meet wants to put in the time. because. the time takes too long. and i hate that joe is still an obsession. even though i know we both hate eachother. him because. i am nothing. me because. he doesnt care. and. still i think of the fucker. a subconcious thing. i believe. the name joe. the fact that his eyes reminded me of my mothers first husbands eyes. the way he made me laugh. and its so stupid. wasting brain power on someone who could give a fuck. and. never gave a fuck. someone who thinks theyre so perfect. and. streetwise. and. all he/ll ever do is go to jail. and. live out some bullshit existance in erie. and. yet im the one who loses. bullshit. still struggling to block him. and. i will eventually. i assume. once the next one comes. once i never see nor hear joe again. once it falls away. i guess im just used to winning people back. and. when i dont win. i want more. whatever. he/ll rot in erie. just like all the rest. because. he is all the rest. ---------------------------- i dont want marriage. i want comfort. someone to just hold me from time to time. someone to tell me it will be okay. even if it wont be. someone to just know how much i hurt. ------------------------ BLAH. bullshit. fucking emotional bullshit. a cesspool of feelings. and. crap. im tired. and hungry.