my cousin. eric. he has it all under control. and i just slithered out from my rock. and asked for a loan. and the money. and i hate that. i had to ask. because. i don't like asking for help. i don't like asking my family. because. whether you like it or not. they always find out everything. and what they can't find out they make up on their own. and i'm waiting to hear the rumors about me. because. i am the only black sheep left now. my mother and i made a team. and she warned me of their bitterness and horribleness. and all around unreliableness. and she warned me to beware of them. and i am. being ware. i have nothing to do with any of them really. i am a memory. a faded cousin who isn't and doesn't come around. because they aren't close to me. and never really have been. they blame my mother for keeping us at a distance. but she was protecting me. from their lies. and stories. and horrible actions. but i had to ask. because. i am down to the last of my cash. and this town hasn't offered me anything yet. but it will come. and i will pay him back. because i pay my personal debts. just not my social debts. because personal is so much more. and i would owe him my life. but he owes me too. don't forget. he did get a house. and i got a date to move out. he owes me far more then he'll say. ever. and i know that's why he won't say no to lending me money. because i could be a complete. bitch. i could demand more. then a measly 1000. he took my home. our home. and my dream. and turned it into another dream of his. and that's fine. he has things under control. and as always i envy him. because he has worked hard and earned it. and someday i do hope to do the same. i just hope. asking for help. does. not. come. back. to. haunt. me. as everything seems to do these days. in such terribly annoying ways.