i walked forever today. or. so it seems. i went to every store i believed would give me the time. of. to. day. and picked up application. after. application. hopefully this week i'll be able to land a job. hope. fully. last night. i got drunk. and walked around. bored. but. drunk. seb is little entertainment. and. maybe she expected more. then. i am giving. but. i'm new here. she's the seasoned. pro. shouldn't she be wanting. to show. me more. then just places to shop. and keep busy. while she's off having her life. i feel snubbed. and left. and it stings a bit. especially since i'm so new here. and so alone. she talks about how alone she was when she first came here. but. i was coming to see my friend. her. doesn't that make the situation a bit different. and it doesn't matter. at least here. i can be a new person. with no worries. and a nice smile. who has no trouble behind my eyes. except that glint. that not even surgery could remove. but that's fine. no one here knows me. knows of me. or hates me. or lets me down. because now the games changed. and i feel less pressure. alone. but less pressure. i miss taz. and i hope he's fairing well. i want to call. i do. i should. i know. but it hurts. it hurts when he comes into my mind. because it's just another thing i wanted so badly. but. had to let go. had to let pass through my hands. and my heart hurts. when i think of her face. and his face. and that one beautiful blue eye. and i think of how taz would rule the world if he could. given the chance. and i know it's only a stupid dog. i know. a. stupid. dog. but. he. was. part. of. my. old. life. and i miss it. those days. and those people. and all the things i used to take for granted. and i won't repeat that again. i will take nothing for granted. nothing. because before you know it. or not. it all fades so quickly. right before your eyes. and all you can do is stand back and watch your castle fall. all you can do is scream inside while it all crumbles to your feet. all you can do is watch the wind blow all the dust away. and leave you nothing to hold onto. leave you nothing to love. to hate. to have. to hold. until death do us part. and o how that parting is so horrible. when. it. comes. on. out. of. no. place. and. ends. up. just. a. tear. running. down. your. face. but i should be over it right? i should be better. and i guess. on the surface i am. i have changed. and switched plays. to hide it all. because i don't want to be that thing anymore. i don't want to be those things. i will make it here. i met an artist named mike. i will be fine. i will be. i will. i.