is such a mess. and i always am. these days. i cant seem to escape my.self. she/s always there feeling and dreaming and schemeing and meaning and crying. in the back in the dark hidden by those shadows. and. they say cigarettes kill. and. i know its the truth. literally. not figuratively. because. thats what got her in the end. that undying habit. that only leaves once you/re dead. ashes to ashes. what do you want from me im only me and thats all i can be and im finding myself lost here and unhappy in an unnatural way because everything feels so heavy and things are getting in the way again and again and again and i cant let the past go because the past is me and its all so confusing and burdensome. but. life is like this some times isnt it meant to mean more or at least pretend to be more and everyone seems to have some far off dream and i find myself dreaming less because it all seems to matter less whether i like it or not and its all some part of something larger that i cant seem to get close to. and. i have the wisdom and the knowledge and the common sense to be more and to want more and to need more but what i like now is less and if i go so far as to get more then i feel burdened and i worry that i wont ever lose my virginity because im not as concerned as i should be because i dont find the need to be more of a woman and less of an object of simple lust. but. i do intend on it someday whether its the right thing or not but if i lose it now will i actually be losing more and fall into that tunnel that most girls seem to be in that whole he loves me he loves me not drama and maybe i dont and cannot handle such a thing because my mind was just meant for simplicity. and. i assume that when it all comes down to it it means nothing because im tied in a tight bind that never loosens if it did where would i find myself just some other girl on the take and some other girl on the lamb from love and where is my forgiveness for all of my horrible mistakes i fear god but i dont fear hell because its all in the same and all just a pathetic game. i would just like to know what it all means. its likes some cancer eating away at my easily broken heart thats so used to being let down that one more thing will only make it beat a bit faster until of course that wears off like the cheap high from booze and the cheap need of nicotine coursing through my already scarred veins. what do you want from me? i am what i am and didnt jesus make mistakes. he had to of. no ones perfect not anyone living at least. i ramble because it never ends the thoughts are always there tearing their way through and out and it all has to be expressed and if i could and if i would yell it from the street corners at 4 in the morning because im already awake because sleep is just empty hours that includes nothing now because she wont come to me and i beg at night just to see her face once more and every time it isnt her and she isnt telling me anything important i would just like to know she made it to heaven if there be such golden gates i would like to know if she was on time or a second too late. but. what does it matter. i will always be tied. tied and torn and tied and torn. and tired and worn. because my heart just lacks something now. and being numb is no fun because after awhile it would be nice to feel something more. but. what does it matter. the world is a disappointment because its about material instead of whats real. i would heal it all if i was given just one chance. but. there is no space. not for a fucked up soul. not for a lonely girl.