i am. it's warm in here. it's warm outside. heat on here. is driving me crazy. the dog's growling in his rest. sleep. having an animalistic nightmare about something animal. dani. is giving up. the old stuff. so she says. and i hope she does. we're quitting for awhile. until all things settle back down. and it all becomes lighter again. the burdens getting quite heavy. bothersome. wen called. about school. or something. i need to call her back sometime i guess. we don't get along like we used too. in the old days. before regrets and suspicions creeped up. on us. i don't trust her now. and she resents me. and the tension has become too thick between us. too thick to breathe. we have nothing to really talk about. and nothing to interest one another. she's busy being mislead and angry. i'm busy being lost and confused. as usual. we are different sides. of the vortex. and that's fine with me. i don't trust being too close to her. near her world. i have my own to deal with. this break will go fast. i hope not. i hope so. i'm sitting here waiting for him to get online. and he won't. and i won't wait. and i'll feel better that he doesn't. he wished me goodluck. and i him. and with that. it's over. ended. done. forgotten. i wish. i want to be clean. and straight. and narrow. i'll work on the clean part first. i realized last night that i haven't had a job in two years. two fucking years. who the hell will hire me now. i'm unused. lazy. and without skill in anything useful. maybe i'll find a cleaning position. i sort of like cleaning. as long as it isn't my house. i'm hyper. and slow. all the same. my brain's slacking and this warmth in the house is killing me. making me feel uncomfortable. i wish i could ask eric for help. see if he could set me up a little something something. i won't. and he won't. and he wouldn't anyways. i'm not book smart like him. and devoted. he's better off then i will ever be. and for that i both hate and envy him more than anyone else i'll ever know. he's my hero and my enemy all the same. i wish him well though. for he was the reason i got this far. for some reason. or another. i'm rambling now. trying to think up an excuse to go upstairs and stay there for the night. without m bothering me. asking me things. and expecting me to be around her. all the time. i need my own place. a nice little dirty house out in the middle of nowhere. so i can blast my music. smoke some weed. drink some drink. and be alone. with the night time around me. listening to all the little annoying outside noises. and liking it all the same. o fuck you. patrick.