late on a sunday. because. i spent a few hours drinking and smoking. and. i kissed him on the cheek. and. i cant excuse the things i do because there is no excuse. for me. i dont dream quite enough anymore. not like i used too. signs come and go and i keep pretending not to notice. and. i might as well start counting down the minutes until it all turns completely into shit. i know i shouldnt. but. i cant help myself. i can NOT lie. and. if you dont understand im sorry im too busy fucking up to explain. and. im a bit tired of this place. and. i dont want to be. i cant go back to erie yet. because. erie wont be the same now. itll be weird and dreary and unchanged. and. ill miss most of the people ive met. and. ill miss feeling new. i dont mind sharing if you return it. my heart is a fragile thing much stronger then id like to think. i could care less. because. i am so very careless. my emotions are sideways these days. and. dont care to conform to my hearts desires. passion is a thing less felt then wanted. i crave some sort of irrational solitude. i cant seem to find anywhere at anytime. if i could id become a hermit but i cant stand being alone for too long. being alone brings on forgotten thoughts and forgotten fears. it makes me feel shadowy and insecure. memories are better when left alone. when left in the dark cracks of my mind. because. my heart just cant take anymore. ive been broken and i fear i may never be repaired. not even after years of severe therapy or sporatic drinking. drug abuse is never a thing of the past. my addictions are the only thing i have faith in. because. i know its only a matter of time before they return again. thats what i like about my afflictions. theyre absolutely always reliable. being who you are and being what you are. are too difficult. a blurry line. a jigsaw puzzle. a photo taken too quickly and the image is wavy and moving. i want to be this me. this other person who has the control and will power. and. strength to proceed. and. there are days when id like to shut my eyes and just fade away. for no reason at all. except maybe one. because. i miss her. and. not having her is a terribly painful thing. she was my rock. she was my enemy. she was that little voice in my head who would remind me of what a bad idea this could be. or. most likely would be. she was my mom. erasing things is impossible. so ive decided to stop apologizing. to stop repenting. because. there is no point. ill end up in hell either way. ive done far too much already. forgiveness is not a repeating thing. once you strike out. youre out. and. down for the count. i just wonder where this all is headed. i wonder what this path leads too. and. how ill know where to go. and. when to stop once i get to the right place. i often fear missing it all.