maybe if i were taller and thinner and blonder and whiter and peppier and all around good maybe id have good dreams and good things and good schemes and good wishes and goodgood needs. and maybe id be a bit happier and lighter and when it all comes down to it no one cares what you have to say they only worry about whether or not youre the type to lay and how well you look in your bluejeans and how nice you smell whenever they decide to get close. ive only been told i was beautiful one true time in my life from a guy who wanted nothing from me except a smile maybe and it was the only time i can remember feeling good and as though he meant it. but now. theres nothing with any boy i meet. its all about how fast my pants will come down. and right away go back up. and they push and i push back harder because i want to MEAN more then just a simple fuck and even i know thats a dream because it all matters how well you look instead of how brilliant you think and im tired of the nonsense and the bullshit just to get in my pants. and i guess thats what they all want to touch you inside and not outside and thats not what i want. i dont want to feel them inside id like to feel them outside looking at me and feeling what i feel. but like i said even i know those are just DREAMS. because it will never improve for me. they hardly get close. but the ones that do only do for one damned reason and i feel so betrayed. when i was larger i hardly got noticed. and maybe holding onto such a precious gift as my virginity has turned it all against me. because now i am wilted and damaged goods when i should be fully ready to go. and i wish i was. i wish joe and i couldve fucked like ANIMALS and had it done and over with. but how can i just lay down like such a simple thing. my mind is constantly working. and it is such a burden having held out so long because all i want now is a simple word and a sweet kiss. but getting those things is only a fucking dream. because there is no romance to be had there are no connections to be made. its all about getting what you need. getting laid. and moving on to the next victim. if only they didnt push so hard on me maybe i wouldnt back off and push back against them. so many times ive just wanted to be held. and held. and thought of in a kind way in a wondorous way. how ive wanted to just be an impossible thing to reach and in ways i am but not on good terms. they see me as fridge and too mixed up and too confusing. and i am. i suppose. but shouldnt i expect more then just a kind word and compliment and his hand trying to get my hand into his pants. shouldnt i expect more? or do i expect too much? and how i do wish i were more perfect and pretty and lovely and spacedout. i do wish i had less of a thought all of the time and less restlessness beating all over my heart. and ive tried to erase that part but it never works. i want to be MORE then just a fucking memory. i want to be legend and legion and a muse all in one. and i dont want lies and pretty eyes i want it all to be real and to feel close to appealing. im tired of the fucking world expecting me to be such a fucking little stupid girl. im not like the rest and even though i try my very best i never will be. because theres just more to me then one can see. and maybe ill be alone for another decade or infinity but at least i wont fucking settle for a few kind fucking words from some boy who believes he has it all in his court. i want to be loved for loves sake and not just for sport.