thats the beginning word to a bubba sparxx song and until now i didnt quite get it. but. these past few days it feels a bit clearer to me. but. like my horoscope said...i cant let this alignment of the stars lately go to my head. this entire situation happened for 3 reasons. 1. im an alcoholic 2. hubris...my ego 3. im a dumbass seriously though. i needed a reality check. i needed to learn that although people love you and know youre the shit doesnt mean theyll always put up with your shit. and its true. and they shouldnt have to put up with your ego. and i was wrong. and i know. but. lately although ive been secretly terrified of having to go home broken hearted and broke. things have come together here in there enough to make me smile and wonder if maybe this all does happen for some fucked up reason. ive kinda sorta gotten another job that will at least keep me a little steady hopefully. and well ive been putting in application like a goddamned whore. literally. no. not. really. a. whore. but. you. know. and things have just been timed so right to make me wonder. and the calmer i am. and the more active i am. the better it all feels. take tonight for instance. im reaching back out. seeking the friendships i let slip away for a number of different reasons. reaching for the people i miss. and im learning it isnt them thats gotten in the way its my pride. im not one to call and want people. theyre always supposed to call and want me. but. now. i see. it has nothing to do with pride. but. everything to do with people caring about you. so. tomorrow. im calling mandy because i miss her. and letters on myspace dont make as much of a difference or mean as much as a real life conversation and apology. i owe her that. and she can hang up or bitch at me all she wants. because shes despite it all my best friend. and we both know it. i dont want to take it all so fast though. because. it has only been about 4 nights of me not drinking. and ive been so tempted. but. this time it has to be for real. because after this. its die. this is the do part. do or die. and im not ready. not yet. to allow myself to be doomed by my own self loathing. and my mothers death can no longer be the excuse. she doesnt deserve that. the burden of my self pity. she deserves more. and ill make sure i make her proud. its time to earn back my karma points. i want to be the way i was when i was a child. sweet. smart. funny. friendly. and everything else i let slip away. i hope. god gives me another life. because i forget whether this is number 8 or number 9.