so i bothered him once more. and. won't again. because. it's all wasted effort. and. just becoming an embarassment. i asked him to read. but. i know he won't. he doesn't care. and. that's fine. whatcanidoaboutit? and now i don't think i'd do anything about it if i could. because. no one ever puts in effort for me. never. i try and fail and end up looking stupid. no one looks stupid for me. and that's fine. i try not to dwell but my mind is difficult to reason with. i want to stop. it won't stop. i try. it won't try. thoughts constantly floating around in my brain just waiting to come back again and again. and it doesn't matter. because no one knows me like i know me. and no one cares either way. i failed the test as usual. it isn't fair me having to regret so much in such a short period of time. it isn't fair that everyone expects you to be something that you just can't be no matter how hard you pretend. but it doesn't matter. that all was back in erie. lame. tired. boring. wornout. strungout. nevergoingtogofurther. erie. and believe it or not none of them even realize how alike they are back there. they sit and lie. they tell stories about the same things. but will say and say that they're the real one. if there's one thing erie taught me. it's the fact that people will exist in self dillusion as long as possible. sometimes. most of the time. in erie. they do it for life. a life sentence of the same people with the same things to say and the same names and faces and knowing each other's movements the whole time. and petty little things like owning stores. and dealing drugs. and stealing. and always trying to be the top "dawg." when in fact it's all worth nothing there. because erie will never change. and eventually it'll swell and swallow all the people i left back there. whether. they or i like it or not. i couldn't breathe there after awhile. because. the same things day in day out was too smothering. too suffocating. and maybe everyone wants out. but they'll never make it. because very few leave erie for good. because erie is the only place that will take so many losers. and love them still. i miss my old home with my mother. with our john and our dog. and our cars. and our hearts. i miss my old home with it's tiredness and repetition. i miss my mother whistling. and i wish i could've stayed in that house forever with those things. because. being alone is so very lonely. and it hurts so much having no one to just hug. to just hug me and tell me that whether i like it or not the world is a beautiful place and i will someday be alright. i miss my old home on rudolph with it's safeness and warmth and silliness. and i miss hating my old home. i can't help crying. because. that's all i've been left with. is memories. horribly wonderful memories. that sting so bad in my mind every night and day and minute and hour and second. it's hard to swallow now. and it gets too hard to breathe. when i think about where i was 3 years ago. before i lost all i had. i guess this is what they meant by growing.