i have feelings for danielle. she is my only real family. left. now. and i am frightened for her. because. she is not here with me. close. and near by. as usual. now we are separated. and. i fear for her safety and happiness. because. i am not there to argue with. to hate her. to lecture her. to feel her. and. her and sweet.angel. are all i have left now. and. i am afraid angel will forget me. because. children do forget from time to time. not on purpose. but. because they cant remember so much at such a delicate age. and. she almost. no. angel wont forget me. because. even when she was tiny as tiny could be. after a few moments she would give me that knowing smile. that knowing nod. and kick in the hand. and she would tighten her grip. and. know. who. amanda was. and i love them so much. and miss them. because. they are all i have left. very few people to call my own now. and my list keeps getting shorter and shorter. and i wish joe was on my love list. my care for list. as i wish wendy was. and aimee. especially aimee. because. deep down inside we are just as twisted. and. i do wish she was there on my love list. i wish shannon was still. and rhonda. and ive lost so many people. and. it hurts. because. deep down inside i feel so alone. all of the time. and when he asked if i had anyone at home who would miss me and all i could say was no. i realized than that it was just me in this big bad world. all alone. with no one to call my very beloved own. and joe took it the wrong way. and i messed it up with everyone. i know. i just want closeness. something stable. and reliable. and nonforgettable. and danielle is having such a hard time now. and it seems to go in a circle with us. my time. now her time. and i want to hold her hand. and. let her know that she isnt just a fuck. she isnt just an airhead whore. with nice hair. and a nice ride. shes something more. and always has been. because. shes the only one who always has my back. and aimee and joe and joel talking shit on her. shes a better person then any of them will ever be. or try to be. because. she does feel. and she does forgive. and right now. i wish we were getting high and getting by. because. we're professionals about that. and. the best i know. because. if you can survive for free. thats all that matters. i miss my friend. my cousin. and my favorite little person. keep them safe. or ill curse heaven. and make it fall.