im not sure. i dont know what the deal is. but its here. and its growing. im unhappy. in job. in life. in friends. in money. in living. here. i dont know. i feel abandoned. but okay with that for some reason. i feel trapped. and pinned down to one place in one time forever. i came here to see it. to be it for a moment or two. and now i am in and its bothersome. because i feel like i/ll never get loose. free. gone. i dont know. i lost it at work and i know why. because i hate work. i hate where i work and with whom i work with. why. i have no reason but so many reasons. the boy i like no longer. the lazy people who expect someone else to do it all. the new fucking bosses who think its okay to tell you what to do even though youve been there longer and through the worst part of it. the gossip. the customers. the everything of it. the entire job. is not where i want to go or be or do any longer. i should be happy. and i was. or maybe. i was. maybe this is just my time of the month coming on full strong with a vengenance. or maybe this is how i really feel. or maybe this is the booze and the drugs and the having it and not having it more often then not. maybe its everything at once. maybe its because im a complete failure and ill be 30 in 3 years. ive accomplished nothing. except wounds. scars. drunken stories. embarassing moments. some laughs. watching my mother die. losing the house. losing her car. losing losing losing losing. it all. and being too lazy. or drunk. or stupid. or uncaring to repair ir all. i stopped caring so long ago and have been not giving a fuck for so many years now that im afraid i never will. i cant now. i gave up those feelings. and i cant get them back. no matter how hard i try. i cannot make myself actually attempt to care for myself. for life. for this. for anything. i worry. ive felt this way before. and it made me runaway to vegas. and now. where do i go? if i go. and im afraid i will go. and what then? do i just keep running? maybe i should find meaning for my life. create a meaning. because. i feel so meaningless. right. now.