is the best way to remain. but. it is rather difficult once the body begins to grow comfortable in its new surroundings. once the mind begins to get accustomed to the way things come and go. and. its a bit hard picturing when exactly i should ever leave this new place. id like to go before it grows too old. and. before my enjoyment here grows tired and cold. then again. where am i to go once i do decide to leave. have i come this far across the land just to in the end head back from where i came. erie. dreary erie. the mistake by the lake. is that where my story will end. finally come to a halt. and. pause. i dont believe i can handle such an idea. such an idea as living in reality back there. back home. back in that place. i would like to visit. but. not remain. not stay. i dont think thats ever meant to be. again. ----------------------- but. it doesnt matter. it never really should. and. never really will. every.thing.in.life.is.point.less. just because itll never matter in the end. we can know all we can know. we can earn all we can earn. here. in this place. but. it cant come with us. it cant be packed into nice little boxes and brought to the afterlife. in the end. dead is dead. but. what do i know. ill be the first to admit that i am a bit airheaded and spacey. im a bit blank in the mind. and. a bit blank in the heart from time to time. more often then i like. but. i know things. i know things that no teacher ever taught me. i know how to dissect english. i know how to find the meaning. i know the meaning. i know the feeling. i can tap into resources far beyond anything ever explained in some book written by some master whose been long dead for centuries. i know chaos. and. i know i fuck up a lot of things just out of pure stupidity. i know these things. but. its hard to find the proper words and the proper sentences and the proper punctuation and the proper person to explain it all too. proper. right. and. its a natural thing. feeling so out of control all of the damned time. and. i do wish i could slow down and get my head together and focus on being a real adult with real adult wants and needs and skills and things. but. i cannot make myself want that sweet office job. or. that brand name purse. or. the doctor husband. or. that fake white picket fence. and. 2.5 kids one of which will most likely put me in my grave due to being too spoiled. i cannot make myself want the straight edge lets seek professional help lifestyle. i cannot make myself want normalcy. want settling. want stability. i wish. i do. but. i cannot make myself be anything other than what i am. and. sure ill probably regret it horribly later on. but. thats later. not now. so why bother to care.