i see you constantly. in my mind. i see you in my mind. constantly. i see you. and the me i used to be. and i hate her. the old me. because she was greedy. and piggish. and a spoiled fucking brat. i hate her for not knowing. but for always preaching. i hate her for not loving you when she could. because i would kill to love you now. and i know. i know. that we were too close. so close. that our love became hate. and i know. this. but i also know. that you knew. that deep down inside we were one. you and i. i and you. and we both always knew. that it was just us. but we lost it for a moment. for awhile. because. we were too close. so very close. that my heart dies every. time. my mind remembers you. my heart does die every. fucking. time. because. i miss you so very badly. and i wish we could've loved each other more. during our ending time. i wish you knew me now. and we could talk. like. we. were. meant. too. and you wouldn't worry so much. because. i would actually tell you every. thing this time. and we would still. some. times. lay together. and this time around i would protect you from. those. frightening. storms. i would hold you close. and tell you. for real. that every. thing was going to be okay. instead of you sitting all alone on my stairs. wanting me to love you. this time around i would. with no questions asked. but i know what we had was somewhat good. because. even after all these years i still smile when i think of our memories. and i remember you saying you'd miss me forever. and o marcella. my lovely marcella how i wish you could've come with me. i regret my wishes of death now. my venomous hatred towards you. because you were all i ever fucking had. and i know. i know. i need to let it go. but. with a wound so deep. i don't know how to heal. i don't know how to MEND. i don't know how to patch it up and move on. i try. and fail. every. fucking. day. and believe it or not. i knew you. i still do. i know you by red and pink and lipstick and painted finger nails and earrings and penguins and kuwala bears and blue grass and blazers. and i found the one you were supposed to wear to my graduation. and you would've looked beautiful. as you always did. o my marcella. i hope that up there. where. ever. you know deep down. how i feel. and felt. and how bad it all fucking hurts. because i keep repeating it all in my mind. i watched you die. and die. and waste away. and i heard you wish to. go home. your real home. up there. where. ever. and i watched you fade. and i wish i could get it out of my brain. and move on. but the pain is so very great. and it's only been a year. a year. since i heard your laugh. your voice. your yell. and felt your beautiful brown eyes on me. and i do believe. we look alike. i hope we do. because at 60 you were lovely. o my marcells. how i hope we meet again. because. there are manymany things i'd like to say. and i'd like to feel your arms on me again. but. i feel that won't be for some time. so please wait for me. and forgive me for not knowing what i know now. please. wait. for. me. because i will make it to you. and how i wish i could come now. but. i know. i know. i am here. and i must go on. no matter how horribly lonely. and no matter how bad the fucking pain. i hope if you know anything now. you know that i am fucked up. but i am worth loving. because. there is still some good in my heart. o my beautiful marcella. i wish we had met sooner.