Translucent speech is useless. Say what you mean or don't speak. Keep the coward mouth shut and walk away. Tomorrow will always be another day, for now. I speak endless volumes of sadness. I dive deeper and deeper into my own madness. J. is still in the hospital. I still haven't seen him or really talked to him. I don't want to feel guilty, but I do. I won't. I won't. I have my reasons for not going down. One is laziness. Another is fright. I don't like death sleeping so close to us this week. Breathing down our necks, waiting for the response he usually gets. Sadness. Mourning someone who isn't dead yet. Who isn't gone. I won't give an inch. I won't. I won't. It's snowing like hell today. And today is hell. Classes tomorrow. I won't be able to concentrate. I don't want to think. I don't want to do anything. I am tired. I am hyper. I am desperately seeking relief. J. may die. He may not. All in all I don't know which is better. To suffer or to go. I guess it's not up to any of us. Death has selected his number. It's only a matter of time before he comes to collect. This scares me. Death being so close to us. Not really here, but standing out there in the shadows. I can feel it. I knew it the day I dropped him of at the hospital. I knew it was bad. My heart told me so. My mother has fallen asleep. We aren't going to visit him today. Maybe tomorrow. Maybe. I am down. I am guilty. I am feeling worse than ever inside. My mind wants to play a game. The game where I pretend nothing at all is wrong. Where everything is okay as long as my mind doesn't think about it. I am playing right now and I will play all my life. I'm good at the game. Pretending. Nothing is going to happen. Nothing is wrong. Nothing. I am falling apart inside and I can't seem to stop. I can't repair myself. The medication is making my anger worse. It's supposed to help. Supposed too. It's not. I can't feel it anymore. Happiness, relaxation, patience. These things have left me. I don't know what to do anymore. And I don't know if I want to do anything at all. Sarah hasn't called. We haven't talked since last Monday. She's probably mad. She's probably trying to ditch me in an ever so polite manner. She doesn't like to hurt people. O well, I have been through worse. Losing another friend right now doesn't really bother me. I am sad. I am done.