and. i. do. believe. in. action. and. reaction. times. based. on. the. calculated. days. of. this. very. long. and miserable. year. and. things. don't. change. not. always. or. even. some. definite. times. it. all. remains. the. same. old. tired. game. of. cat. and. mouse. and. dog. and. dragon. and. speaking. birds. and nonsense spills forth. a. waterfall. of. consquence. and. chance. and. luck. and. destiny. and. fate. as. a. philosophy. and i wish i could rewind. the time. take it back a few days. or months. or years. and start a. new. again. but. no. there is no such clock. of life. no such passage. from guilt and regret. no such escape. and. such. are. secret. lives. so hard to leave alone. and abandon. so hard. to quit. addictions. ridiculous. are. the. feelings. in. my. heart. i feel torn and ripped and mistreated. i also feel guilty and sad and hateful. but today. aimee called. early. this afternoon. and woke me up from dream land. asking for a visit. and some time. to chill. and such. and such. and so i got dressed. in old clothes. and walked out the door. drove down to 5th street. where we hung a bit. and smoked a bit. and went off to get more. and smoked more. and laughed more. and stopped by lisa's and did more. and breakfast. was. cheese fries. and a grilled cheese sandwich. and these nights i dislike. for dragging me back down. into the loving. of it. the damned feeling. of nothing. of complete numbness against my skin. testing out the ice cold water. and enjoying every second. and how can i explain. the pleasure of this pain. gently falling rain. nothing pure shall remain. against the soaked blood stain. my brain beats insane. and it's all nonsense. and more. of that not sense. i can't make it come out any better. or readier. or clearer. or something. i cannot think right now. i am busy being someone else.